I Should Have Stayed in Bed

From the Internet:

Well, I’m in the hospital to start off my Christmas break! Today has not been a good day. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven’t done for years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn’t stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the elephant.

Before Buyer’s Remorse Sets In

By Jim Hagarty

I have done some stupid things in my life.

Stupid in the sense that they made no sense.

And yet, somehow, some of the best things I have ever done have been the result of some of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. Worst usually involved money, but not always.

I have suffered through buyer’s remorse so many times, it’s a thing now, a part of my character. I can hardly buy a pair of socks without thinking I should have gotten the blue ones instead of the black ones. But, of course, I only know this the first time I put the black ones on.

I have spent more time standing in line at the returns counter in stores than I have for tickets to concerts, plays and hockey games. I am well-known around town by all those whose first question is, “Is there something wrong with this?” Yes there is, I reply. The thing that is wrong with it is that I bought it.

But buyer’s remorse has always set in after a purchase has been made. Today, as I write, I am about to go the store to buy a thing and for the first time ever, I have pre-buyer’s remorse. I’m feeling badly about even considering plopping down the money for this thing.

But then I think back to those other decisions where logic played no part and yet things came out better than just all right. I am often grateful for my faulty powers of reasoning. The house I sit in at the moment was as ugly as a toe wart when I paid too much for it 31 years ago this month. It has increased in value six times since then.

So here I go. It’s too late to stop me now. MasterCard and I are on a mission and will not be stopped!

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

If you need me, I’ll be sitting beside our Christmas tree, fretting.

The Hunt for a New TV

By Jim Hagarty

The Hagarty household is so far behind the times, we do not even have a flatscreen TV.

So, the decision has been made that this family embarrassment just has to end. I have been given strict orders that I am not to go to any more second-hand stores and bring home any more perfectly good TVs for $8. Let me repeat that: $8.

Let the investigation phase begin. Or to put it better, to resume. I have been researching flatscreen TVs for 10 years, never once coming close to buying one, but becoming more knowledgeable about them than some of the salespeople in the stores. I have had conversations with some of these young men and women and before the talk has ended, I have told them information about their TVs that they obviously didn’t know. Strangely, they have always found reasons to go serve someone else.

Still, all my brilliance aside, no flatscreen TVs at the Hagartys. This is despite the fact that there are five TVs in the house, four of them on active duty.

But, that all ends this Christmas. On the morning of the big day, a flatscreen will be sitting in the corner by the Christmas tree. So like a tiger on the hunt for a hapless wildebeest, I quietly, stealthily, make my approach. I go online to look anonymously.

And there it is, after five minutes of searching:

A Sony Model XBR75Z9D. It is a 75-inch beauty.

Only $11,999.99

But just below it, unbelievably, is an 85-inch Sony for only $11,499.99, a full $500 less. How can they give you 10 inches more for $500 less?

Forget those two, however, and I did when I scrolled down a bit further.

A 100-inch Sony for which no price is listed. In the same way you will never see a price advertised for a Rolls Royce. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. I have to email the company for a quote.

But this is the one.

It has:

4K HDR Processor X1 Extreme
Object-based HDR remaster
Backlight Master Drive
Dual database processing
Super Bit Mapping 4K HDR
Backlight Master Drive Calibrated beam LED design
Backlight Master Drive Discrete LED control
X-tended Dynamic Range PRO: backlight brilliance
4K X-Reality PRO
Motionflow XR
Google Cast
Google Play
Clear Audio Plus
Clear Phase
DSEE Digital Sound Enhancement Engine
Cinematic S-Force Front Surround
Photo Sharing Plus
IR Blastercontrol (remote control)
Video and TV SideView app

These are all the things I have been pining for for the past decade and now the time is right. So, I will email for a quote. And with the $8 saved that I would have spent on another second-hander, I will be able to make a good downpayment.

Providing also that our son and daughter drop out of university and I go back to delivering goat’s milk door to door.

It you would like some goat’s milk, please email me for a quote.

Tribute to Political Insanity

From the keyboard of an anonymous commenter on the Internet tonight:

Fake, failure, fraud, and loser
Greedy, grubby, grasping, grifter.
Creepy, dirty, filthy, cheater
Bankrupt, deadbeat, first-grade reader.

Liar, huckster, con-man, jerk
Dumb-ass, crazy, piece-of-work.
Bigot, racist, woman-hater,
Vulgar, fascist, tax-evader.

Stupid, clown, insane, buffoon
Classless, crazy-as-a-loon.
Bombastic, pompous, Orange Turd,
A fool to whom we flip the bird.

Selfish, stunted, showoff, nuts,
Entitled, asshole, pinches butts.
Corrupt and classless; snotty, fragile
His lizard brain is hardly agile.

Doofus, dick, weakling, blowhard
Draft evader, sniveling coward.
He’s full of sh!t, no one can teach him.
And one day Congress will impeach him.