By Jim Hagarty
I am not a conspiracy nut, but I do honestly believe that there has been a plot hatched and carried out by certain people around me to convince me that bats have better hearing than I have.
On several occasions, in fact, my nearest and dearest have leveled the ridiculous claim that I am deaf as a post. This is an insult to posts and arrogance unlimited. Who are they to say that posts cannot hear? Or that they have no feelings, in fact.
But being the sensitive kind, I have begun to believe the charges being made against me. And it is becoming a self-fulfilling claim. I have begun not hearing as well as I used to because of my so-called deaf-as-a-postness.
But tonight, I got the ammunition I have been searching for which will even the score. I was in a shop when I saw hanging there a pair of “volume reduced” headphones. In an instant, my epiphany was realized and strong.
My problem is not that I am hearing reduced at all. The dilemma comes from the obvious fact that I am living in a volume-reduced world. Volume reduction is even being sold on store shelves now, for pete’s sake, without any care for people of normal hearing capabilities such as I.
It has been suggested that I spend thousands of dollars to render myself “hearing enhanced.” I will not do it. What I will do instead, however, is to start a campaign to end the scourge of volume reduction.
The next thing you know, shelves will be stocked with “sight reduced” eyeglasses.
At least that’s what I hear.