For Hire: Better Murderers

By Jim Hagarty
Punn Ditt Inc.

This is hilarious.

Longtime Republican provocateur and full-time right-wing idiot Roger Stone, an adviser to Donald Trump, now believes Barack Obama and his “deep state” are trying to kill him.

Today, reported:

“Either Roger Stone is making up tall tales of persecution, or Congress needs to investigate why American intelligence services have the world’s most incompetent assassins. What gives? Are they poorly trained? Have the clandestine services forgotten how to kill people without a drone? The American people need answers!

“According to Stone, a longtime Donald Trump confidant and original Richard Nixon ratf*ker, the “deep state” keeps trying to kill him, yet always fails badly at it.

“The latest episode is what Stone calls a “suspicious hit-and-run” accident. Stone was seated on the passenger side of a vehicle when it was struck by an unknown driver, who apparently left the scene without exchanging insurance information. In a series of tweets, Stone noted that the striking sedan had a tinted windshield.


“This person was definitely not trained at the Jason Bourne academy. A sedan is a strange choice for an assault vehicle. Even a half-trained assassin would think to use something more capable of inflicting harm on Stone, such as a large and heavy truck. They would also not take their foot off the gas so as to ensure maximum impact.

“Having just endured a kinetic collision that left him with “blurred vision,” Stone went straight to…well, not the hospital. Instead, he made an appearance on Infowars. “It didn’t seem like an accident to me,” Stone said in a video. He then hosted the fourth hour of the Alex Jones Show.

“At some point he reportedly went to a hospital.

“You see, Stone is amazingly healthy, which makes him hard to murder. In fact, during inauguration week, Stone claimed that Infowars herbal supplements had saved him from Polonium poisoning by the dreaded American intelligence services, who (he says) were trying to frame his assassination on Russia.

“Which is weird, because a lethal dose of Polonium-210 is maybe the size of a pepper flake. How did the all-seeing, all-powerful deep state mess that up?

“Also, the characteristic symptoms of Polonium poisoning include hair loss, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, which should have left Roger Stone incapable of traveling to Manhattan and unable to make a public appearance in the lobby of Trump Tower. If “doctors” really did diagnose Polonium poisoning as he claimed at the time, then Stone should have been confined to a hospital bed.”

Author: Jim Hagarty

I am a 65-year-old retired journalist, busy recovering from a lifelong career as an unretired journalist. This year marks a half century of my scratching out little fables about life. My interests include genealogy, humour and music. I live in a little blue shack in Canada and spend most of my time trying to stay out of trouble. I am not that good at it. I also spent years teaching journalism. Poor state of journalism today: My fault. I have a family I don't deserve, a dog that adores me, and two cars the junk yard refuses to accept. My prized possessions include my old guitar and a razor my Dad gave me when I was 14 and which I still use when I bother to shave. Oh, and my great-great-grandfather's blackthorn stick he brought from Ireland in the 1850s. I have only one opinion but it is a good one: People take too many showers.

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