By Jim Hagarty
2014
Scholars and other smartypants are debating when the decline and fall of modern humans began. I wish they would save themselves the trouble and just ask me because I know precisely when things all started going wrong.
It was June 3, 1996, at 3:25 p.m. I walked into my local Tim Hortons coffee shop and ordered a bran muffin, as I had done daily for many years. It was then I was informed that Tim’s would no longer – as in never, ever – offer plain bran muffins again.
I remember the feeling. I thought I might collapse and lose consciousness. But, and this is a testament to my great strength of character, I pulled myself together and started screaming instead. I was the first person ever, on that day, to use the expression: “Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me!”
The young server was not kidding me. Instead, she began negotiating, offering me alternatives. One of them was the raisin bran muffin, a complete abomination. A raisin bran muffin is a terrible creation, similar to a cherry pie stuffed with mushrooms, if someone was ever so demented as to try such a thing. But what was I to do? I ordered a raisin bran muffin. It tasted even more awful than I imagined it would and I don’t know if I even finished it.
A 10-year period of mourning began, during which time I ordered and ate a raisin bran muffin every day. Then something strange happened. One day I realized that I liked raisin bran muffins. A lot. Like in OMG these are good. On the occasional special day, I would eat one and order another one right away. That was in 2006 and the world seemed to be righting itself.
But that was an illusion.
On June 19, 2014, at 2:21 p.m., I walked into my local Tim Hortons and ordered a raisin bran muffin. It was then I was informed that the restaurant would no longer be offering raisin bran muffins. As in never, ever again. A shock and a sadness overwhelmed me such as I have not known since the day they stopped making Massey Ferguson tractors. I felt the tears filling up the cavities behind my eyes but I held it together.
“What else have you got?”
It turns out they had several new offerings. There was a rhubarb/flax/mustard seed/green pepper/wild carrot/burdock/clover muffin. Also a crabapple/black currant/white potato/green bean/dandelion/seedless grape/brown rice/whole wheat/chives muffin. Several other such combinations too hideous to describe were rattled off for me till I felt like someone had blindfolded me and spun me around six times just to watch me fall down.
“Anything else?” I asked.
“Yes,” said the server. “There’s fruit explosion.”
An explosion in that restaurant that day would have suited me just fine but the closest I could come was a fruit explosion muffin so I ordered it. It tasted like you stuffed 12 fruits in your mouth and they exploded. I would have rather eaten my car’s spare tire. So I went back the next day and ordered another one.
It’s going to be a long 10 years.
(Update: Possibly due to the maniacal outcry from bran muffin eaters worldwide, Tim Hortons once again began offering raisin bran muffins a couple of years after they stopped. My joy is almost overwhelming. Now all they need to do is bring back the long-dead plain bran muffin. If there is any justice in the world, they will.)
