By Jim Hagarty
2004
Gee Pee Yes
It has come to the attention of the folks at Better Driving Inc. that some male motorists in Canada are having problems relieving themselves into plastic pop bottles while guiding their vehicles along the expressways around the City of Toronto. This troubling situation came to light one recent summer day when police nabbed and charged a man whose car was bobbing and weaving at a slow rate of speed while its driver was delicately attempting to transfer liquid from himself to a bottle which had most recently contained soda pop.
This unfortunate incident reinforces the idea that what is urgently needed are automobile seats that are built in the fashion of the old commode chairs which people of earlier times used in their bedrooms to avoid cold, middle-of-the-night dashes to the outhouse. Any new auto seats designed for similar purposes could be stylish and fully automated, of course, but their development and installation as standard equipment in all new vehicles is long overdue. Modern motorists simply do not have the time to pull over to gas stations, restaurants and maple trees, as their counterparts from earlier generations did.
Quite simply, the elimination of waste products from the modern human being has become an incredibly inefficient and unproductive exercise that is diminishing the ability to achieve our well-established goals and objectives within the time frames that have been set for their accomplishment. This dilemma could be, perhaps, better explained by the simple declaration that we have reached a point where we have No Time To Waste.
However, in the absence of the needed development of the auto commode seat, we are seemingly stuck with the pop bottle and perhaps other similar containers. Given that reality, there are certain practices that might help the user of this system avoid traffic tie-ups and police shakedowns.
Here are some helpful hints in that direction.
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Drivers should do some advance planning such as equipping themselves with a pop bottle with a significant-sized opening, as it may be safely surmised that one with a very narrow neck might produce some problems revolving around the issue of proper aimage. If options are available, it might be suggested a container with a sizable mouth such as a pickle jar, coffee travel mug or insulated picnic cooler be chosen.
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When the appropriate receptacle has been found, some practice sessions might be advisable to ensure that the driver is able to adequately perform all the intricate movements required to avoid catastrophe both within the vehicle and outside of it.
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The motorist should unzip all necessary garments prior to picking up the pop bottle, lest he experience a shortage of hands to operate steering wheel and related devices such as directional signals, horn, etc. while fumbling with buttons, zippers and cloth.
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Where possible, the use of a funnel is recommended.
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In the event that the motorist is accompanied in the front of the car by a willing passenger, the assistance of that person might be called on to hold the container or whatever else it might seem appropriate to be held.
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A motorist engaged in this delicate endeavour should also be aware that the job cannot be considered to have been completed until some sort of cap is fastened to the receptacle that was used. (In the case of the Toronto man who was pulled over, his pop bottle was not sealed, leading one officer to comment that he ended up, as a result, paying twice for his crime, as his container tipped over in the excitement, spilling its non-soda-pop contents.)
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Under no circumstances should a motorist engaged in the activity described here, simultaneously answer a call on his cellphone, regardless of how strong the urge might be to do so. In a similar vein, it is advisable to forgo returning friendly waves to acquaintances who might direct them towards the preoccupied driver while passing, as a hand thus extended might interrupt some critical aspect of the operation under way.
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When the urgent task has been completed, the receptacle and its contents should be tightly sealed and, if possible, stored beneath a front seat or in the glove box. Under no circumstances should the driver attempt to empty the material out his window, as the effect of this matter hitting a strong crosswind, for example, cannot be predicted. It also cannot be guaranteed onto whose windshield the liquid in question might splat.
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A precautionary approach, which might help the motorist to avoid all of the above, would involve a visit to a washroom prior to leaving the house or office. Or the ordering of something less majestic than the super-double-jumbo cup of coffee at the drive-through.
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Above all, motorists in such circumstances should attempt to avoid the action taken by another hapless one among them who was caught by police driving down the highway with his driver door open, hanging out over the roadway and marking his trail as he went. In contrast to the actions of the man with the pop bottle, this solution to the call of nature must be considered especially primitive.
