Lite Sentences

By Jim Hagarty

So Donald Trump’s “surrogates” have been out and around trying to assure voters that their guys believes Obama was born in America. They are being referred to, quite rightly, as “afterbirthers.”


This is a good one. Remember Rumplestiltskin? The fairy tale about a German princess? How about the ongoing fairy tale about a German fraud artist/manchild turned politician: Trumplethinskin.


I love great names for businesses, especially ones that incorporate a bit of humour in them. I saw a landscaping truck go by today carrying lots of soil and peat moss, etc. The name of the company emblazoned on the doors of the truck was Dirt Cheap.


Personalized licence plate seen the other day: HERISSEXY.


Saw this in an Internet comment today. To have published a Twitter comment is to have “twote”, as in, Trump “twoted” again last night.


I don’t know what to make of this personalized licence plate I saw this week on a truck ahead of me. The plate read, “NEWD”.


An Internet comment this week following a story: I am not black and never will be but sometimes I wish I wasn’t white.


You bought yourself a nice, black SUV and you want to use your prize to make a statement to the world, to declare your core values for all to see. A window sticker would be nice. Do you choose, “Give Peace a Chance,” “We Shall Overcome” or “God is Love”? No you don’t. This is your declaration. “Whoever comes at me and doesn’t kill me, better start running.” Got it, Hoss.


Emblazoned across the front of a peaked cap: My cow died so I don’t need your bull any more.


The time to look for a job is when you have a job. It is much easier to find one when you already have one. You have more confidence, because you are already working, and because you already have employment, you are not desperate. Everyone respects someone who is trying to better himself but don’t criticize your current employer in an interview even if the interviewer goads you to do so. A person out of work for a while has a harder time. He is apt to be down on himself and he will fish for reasons, when asked, why he has been unemployed.


Here is an explanation for why a dog barks at strangers at the door. When he barks at the postal carrier, the postal carrier always goes away. So, he figures all his barking has paid off. He expects it will do the same with other intruders and is often disappointed when they stay instead of leaving right away like the well-trained postal carrier does.


Seen in a Toronto newspaper’s “morning smile”: Trying to keep an affair quiet in a small town is like trying to sneak the dawn past a rooster.


Licence plate seen on a pickup truck in a Stratford parking lot one day: FLASHER


From a friend: A man full of fear is like an angry wolf, chasing all creatures great and small away from him if they venture too near. A man full of love is like a big shade tree on a hot summer’s day. Everyone crowds around him for shelter from the elements.


This isn’t mine but it bears repeating. It’s one of the truest things I know: If you want to get something done, ask a busy person.


On any normal day, I would rather have my fingernails extracted by a rusty pliers than to eat my supper outside. But this is exactly what I end up doing several times a summer to the delight of the 50,000 bugs that live in our backyard.


As I walked down the street in front of my home one sunny afternoon this winter with a hammer and roll of toilet paper in one hand, a can of pop in the other and the toque my wife made me pulled down over my ears, it came to me that I have everything I need in life.


Strange (and gruesome) thing. Random squirrel tails lying on sidewalks in our neighbourhood. Finally an explanation. There are lots of hungry raccoons around and this is breeding season. They are dining on the squirrels – a neighbour saw one chowing down – but they don’t like the tails.


It has been said that if you are in a long-term romantic relationship and it ends, you will marry the very next person you date.


I like it when people think. I don’t much care what they think about as long as they think for themselves. Whoever came up with this was thinking. Local waste disposal company which uses those big green dumpsters: Bin There. Dump That. My morning chuckle when I saw that.


I phoned my sister in another city one recent night and when she answered I said, “OK, first off. We are not going to talk for two hours tonight.” She agreed that we wouldn’t do that. So we talked for three hours.


I was driving along in the pouring rain the other day, adjusting my wipers as I went, and I thought about the days when there were four or five settings for our gear shifts and only one for our wipers. Now there is one setting we usually use for our transmission – automatic in Drive – and multiple settings for the wipers.


The world is coming to an end. I am just now listening to a country music song and it has broken out into rap half way through. Funny thing is, it sounds pretty good, but come on!


My old friend Jack Sass used to tell this one on himself so if he was still here, I don’t think he’d mind me telling it. He used to say to people, “Hey, whenever you’re in town don’t forget to look up Jack Sass.”


I used to teach at a community college with an instructor who had this on his blackboard: The beatings will continue until morale improves. Part of the humour in it was that he is the kind of guy who wouldn’t beat an egg, let alone a student – and everybody knew it.


My doctor examined me and said I had the body of an 18-year-old. An 18-year-old dog.


I chuckled when I read this the other day. “My friend Bill doesn’t know the meaning of the word surrender. Then again, Bill doesn’t know the meaning of most words.”


I saw a book in a second-hand store the other day with this unusual title: John Dies at the End. It is a comic horror story. The author’s second effort is called The Book is Full of Spiders. Very clever.


Heard during euchre: Better to be hung for a sheep than a lamb.