If you would like to visit Jim Hagarty, here is how to get to his place.

Back out of your driveway and turn left. Drive 3.2 miles and hang a right. Then proceed straight for 43.7 miles and turn left at the corner where the old schoolhouse used to be. In another 10.8 miles, turn left, then a sharp right at the next light. Go straight for 4.5 miles, then hang a left. Halfway down the block, on your left, there is a little red house. That is not his. His nosy neighbour lives there. Don’t wave at him if he is outside as you drive by. He will call the cops.

The house next to that idiot’s home is Jim Hagarty’s. It is a little blue shack. Hagarty will be sitting on the front porch, sucking on a Monster energy drink, and wondering why he lives in a little blue shack.

Drop in and say hi but do not ask for a sip of his Monster. He gets a little cranky at the suggestion.

If you bring a homemade cherry pie with you, you can stay all day. But bring one for yourself.

Hagarty is strongly opposed to sharing.