To his great shame, Jim Hagarty has contributed the following to the seedy World of Limericks. He blames his sickness on a visit he once paid to Limerick, Ireland, where this entire madness began. He begs your forgiveness and asks you not to speak of this to anyone. Thank You.
There once was a turtle named Mel,
Who refused to come out of his shell.
He was quiet and shy,
And I never knew why.
If he was unhappy I never could tell.
There once was a country so fine.
It was always a favourite of mine.
But it took a right turn.
When will they ever learn?
Now it’s bound to go into decline.
There once was a blogger named Jim.
Whatever became of him?
He wrote every day
Then just went away.
Did he up and quit on a whim?
I once had a fly named Pat
Who rode around under my hat.
I loved him because
Of his cute little buzz.
But I sat on him and that was that.
I once knew a man named John
Who ran around with nothing on.
I thought it was rude
To see him all nude.
So I gave him some clothes he could don.
My limerick skills run low.
I am out of ideas, you know.
I have had enough
Of writing this stuff.
These little poems might have to go.
There once was an old hillbilly,
Who, when he talked, sounded silly.
He caused no offence,
But he barely made sense.
As oddballs go he was a dilly.
Some day when I’m older and grayer,
I hope they elect me the mayor.
I will rule like a king
And improve everything.
Everyone will want to move there.
I never have had my own truck.
Not my plan, just a run of bad luck.
But I’ve driven a few
And that’s how I knew
That my little wee cars really suck.
I once had an old lawnmower,
I don’t have the darned thing no more.
Best machine I have had,
It cut grass like mad.
It was stolen and that made me sore.
I’m ready to watch the debate.
I tried to back out but too late.
I just hope that Trump
Doesn’t get a poll bump.
The vote will come soon, I can’t wait.
I know a guy who swore off TV,
And said he was better than me.
He read lots instead,
And filled his fat head,
With library books all for free.
I have an old colour TV
With a picture that’s hard to see.
Sometimes it just quits
And that gives me fits.
But I got the darned thing for free.
There was a young man from Boston
Who had a broken down old Austin.
He had room for some bass
And a cute Scottish lass.
But his shoes hung out and he lost ’em.
There once was a U.S. election.
One candidate was facing rejection.
He lost his damn mind,
His rage made him blind.
And he put himself beyond correction.
I once owned a very old car.
As old, I guess, as cars ever are.
It was rusty and crude
When I drove it crowds booed.
It went fast but not very far.
There once was an orange politician
Who sinned but offered no contrition.
Instead he professed
The fault was the press.
They created his sorry condition.
If I ever get to Heaven,
Way up on Cloud Number Seven,
I’ll get a nice chair,
And the best TV there,
And stay up every night till eleven.
If a man has a cherry pie,
He has a twinkle in his eye.
His insides feel nice
As he enjoys each slice.
He can’t eat the whole thing but he’ll try.
There was a man who didn’t know much
About cooking and cleaning and such.
He drove his wife nuts
With ifs, ands and buts,
She left him and they soon lost touch.
There was a skinny guy named Slim.
I always thought the best of him.
He ate very little,
He had a small middle.
I never met someone so thin.
I once had a pail full of worms.
And this is what a worm owner learns.
They’re slimy and long,
And assembled all wrong.
The way they dig holes is take turns.
There was a young man from Nevada
Who found out that Trump was his dadda.
He was instantly down
And wore a sad frown.
His Momma said, “Hey, what’s the madda?”
Sometimes I look in my mirror
And ask myself why am I here?
I didn’t plan it.
I don’t understand it.
It’s a big mystery, I fear.
My Mom used to clean out my ears
So I could be like everyone who hears.
She didn’t use tacks
To dig out the wax.
And after she drank several beers.
There once was a sly young fox
Who made a home out of a box.
A parrot came by,
Dropped in to say hi.
And now people say the fox talks.
I once ate a whole cherry pie.
Just me, myself and I.
My family said, “Hey.”
“Give us some some day.”
I looked at them and enquired, “Why?”
There was a wee turtle named Bub.
Who took a bath every day in a tub.
He’d wash himself well,
Especially his shell.
There was no part that he wouldn’t scrub.
I stayed up all night posting tweets.
Then saw we were all out of eats.
I jumped in the car
But didn’t get far.
Some creep had made off with the seats.
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Who was ready to kick the bucket.
Things he had missed
He wrote on a list
And when he did them he said, “Fuck it!”
A young fuzzy June bug named Jay,
Said to himself one sunny day.
I’m worried I’ll die
Next month, in July.
That sucks cause I’d much rather stay.
Don got his butt kicked last night.
Hill booted it right out of sight.
He’s crying today
But what can he say?
He brought a pea shooter to a gunfight.
Maybe you know I’ve been hintin’
That I would choose Hillary Clinton.
She’s smart and she’s tough,
Way more than enough.
A Hillary Tee I’ll be printin’.
I am waiting for the debate.
Of course, Donald Trump will be great.
He’ll huff and he’ll puff
And say stupid stuff.
He’ll blow the house down, I can’t wait.
I know a dummy named Joe.
He don’t know what he don’t know.
He thinks he’s a king
Who knows everything.
He’s as smart as my big toe.
Hats off to Percy the gnat.
He is one pretty awesome cool cat.
He has lots of bucks
And owns his own tux.
I am guessing you didn’t know that.
I look after a fish named Wes.
He weighs an ounce, more or less.
His colour is blue
And some yellow too.
I like the wee guy I confess.
If you take a crocodile to bed
You might wake up with no head.
He’ll steal all the covers.
You sure won’t be lovers.
He’ll eat you in two bites instead.
A donkey in our neighbourhood
Behaved not the way that he should.
In fact, since you ask,
He was a jackass.
I’d get him to move if I could.
I’m late with my limerick today.
Sun shining so had to make hay.
I’ve been running around
And have finally sat down,
But can’t think of a thing to say.
I know of a yellowjacket
I’d like to catch it, then whack it.
It hides in my car.
Before I get far,
I almost crash trying to smack it.
If a cricket crawls up your nose
Immediately remove all your clothes
And jump in a lake.
That’s all it will take.
Cause crickets hate getting wet toes.
There is a woman from Nashville
Who’s inhaling a lot of hash still.
Police try to stop her,
“I won’t, you dumb copper.”
Nothing works but I bet lots of cash will.
A clumsy wee flea name of Spike
Fell off of his tiny blue bike.
I did mouth to mouth,
Breathed in and not out.
Now he’s livin’ somewhere I don’t like.
A nice young woman from France
Shoved a frying pan down her pants.
She left the store
But returned for more.
No one gave her even a glance.
There was an old man from Boston
Who drove a broken down old Austin.
He had room for some gas
And his Disneyland pass
But his teeth fell out and he lost ’em.
I have a cat named Joe.
The stupidest kitty I know.
He misses the litter
And drinks from the shitter.
I’ve asked him to leave, he won’t go.
We once had the sweetest old sow.
I smile when I think of her now.
She had many litters.
Used no babysitters.
But was helped by a friendly young cow.
We once had a bull named Thor.
He had a tooth that was sore.
We called up the vet.
We’re still waiting yet.
He’s had dealings with Thor before.
A dog came in our yard one day.
He wasn’t wanted but chose to stay.
He bugged our poor Mam
Who named the pooch Scram.
Yelling “Scram!” never chased him away.
If you want an hour of sheer fright.
Go upstairs in an old barn at night.
Leave your flashlight behind.
You’ll go out of your mind.
No one will get you, but they might.
I once had a tapeworm named Finn.
He really got under my skin.
He ate all my food
But I got him good.
He drowned when I swallowed some gin.
There was a young man from Texas
Who drove a brand new Lexus.
He didn’t have money,
It seemed rather funny.
He got it just to perplex us.
I once had a dog named Butt.
He was a very intelligent mutt.
He knew every which way
To get, day to day,
Lots of food to fill his big gut.
I knew a quiet man name of Chester,
Never talked, just allowed things to fester.
One day he woke up,
And finally spoke up:
“Hey, man, my real name is Lester!”
There was a young man from Peru,
Who had wives, but only a few.
He loved them all well
But never could tell
What was what and who was who.
If you happen to see my big cat,
The one that is ten pounds too fat.
Though he likes to roam.
Please send him home.
We need him to chase down a rat.
There’s a bee in our backyard
That’s obese, a real tub of lard.
He can just barely fly.
The other bees pass him by.
“I’d lay off the honey, but it’s hard.”
There once was a bear name of Fred
Who had an ugly, gigantic head.
A pie plate of a paw
And teeth like a saw.
He was mild as a lamb, it was said.
A grasshopper name of John
Went jumpin’ across my lawn.
I told him to scat.
He didn’t like that.
And soon the big insect was gone.
A significant number of fleas
Leave my dog when he lets out a sneeze.
They run for the hills.
I should give him his pills.
But stuffing meds in a dog is no breeze.
A word about my new pet gnat.
He’s friendly but way too fat.
I gave him less food,
Which soured his mood.
He’s a charmer but also a brat.
There is a politician named Don
Who’s not sure what planet he’s on.
From the look of his burn
It might be Saturn.
Just wish he’d return and be gone.
There was a young man from Boston
Who had a broken down old Austen.
He had room for some cash
And some illegal hash
But his shoes fell out and he lost them.
A good way to punish a robber
Would be to cover him in dog slobber.
My dog would agree
To slobber for free.
He would turn the thief into a sobber.
My dog searches all day for laps
On which he can lie for his naps.
But legs sometimes part
And dog, bless his heart,
Goes falling right through the gaps.
If I was as strong as an ant
I could lift up my car, but I can’t.
So I just use my keys,
And go where I please.
I don’t become breathless and pant.
If I had my own show on TV,
I would make it all about me.
My exciting life,
My kids and my wife.
I’d have viewers, at least two or three.
A squirrel said to me one day,
“Would you like to come out to play?”
I turned him down flat.
Instead, sent the cat.
Much to the poor rodent’s dismay.
I have a nice big brown lawnchair
And all the birds like to go there.
They crap on it all day
Which brings me dismay.
I chase them around and yell, “No fair!”
There once was a boxer named Joe.
With a gorilla, he’d go toe to toe.
He was a big tough guy.
Look you right in the eye.
Then lose, it was all just for show.
I once owned a big ant farm
But one day watched in alarm
When a giant anteater
Ate my manager Peter
Who I feared would come to some harm.
If Fate gave me truckloads of doe
I’d tell everyone that I know
I was robbed on my way
To the bank yesterday
So I can’t pay you back what I owe.
We once had a bee named Percy
Who stung me all day without mercy.
I asked it to quit
But it wouldn’t stop it
So I shipped it off to New Jersey.
The Donald is losing his game
And looking for someone to blame.
So he says, with a sigh,
That someone might die.
And wouldn’t that be such a shame.
When a salesman knocks on your door
And you wonder what’s he is there for.
Remember that he
Just wants your money.
Say you’re broke, you won’t see him no more.
I once had a spider named Jeb
Who wove me a wonderful web.
It caught lots of flies.
Which he baked into pies
And fed them to his wife Deb.
A dog down our street runs free,
Unleashed like town dogs shouldn’t be.
He roams up and down
Makes everyone frown.
I’m worried. He doesn’t like me.
We once had a nice cherry tree
Where the birds used to battle with me.
I’d sit up there
And try for my share
But they were faster than I was, you see.
I once knew a farmer named Joe
Who was smarter than most men I know.
He raised hens and cows
But didn’t keep sows
And none of his tractors ran slow.
If you’re caught watching CNN,
And you want the madness to end.
No need to frown
Just shut the thing down
And go for a drive with a friend.
I once caught a pike named Mike.
And carried him home on my bike.
I had plans to eat him,
And no plans to keep him,
But it turns out that we’re quite alike.
I once had a little wee flea
Who went everywhere with me.
He was quiet and small
No trouble at all
Till he bit me right in the knee.
There was a young man from Boston
Who had a broken down old Austin.
The car wouldn’t start.
It broke his poor heart.
He sold the darned thing at cost then.
I once built a big high fence
Out of cedar. That makes no sense.
And I’d build another,
But I’ll tell you brother,
It costs too many pounds and pence.
We have a centipede named Tut.
He is missing his 44th foot.
Not sure why it’s gone
But we never let on.
He walks with a limp but so what.
I know a cheapskate named Rose,
Who won’t pay you back what she owes.
She takes all she can
From woman and man.
Then pretends to forget but she knows.
I watched last night on TV
Some presidential history.
A woman who spoke,
A glass ceiling broke,
A change that is meant to be.
We built a wee house in a tree,
One summer, my daughter and me.
But she’s leaving home,
Treehouse is alone,
So I’ll climb up so it won’t be.
There once was a President Bill,
Who spoke of this candidate Hill.
He battled the hate
To make her seem great.
But some voters have their doubts still.
We had a wee cricket named Sam
Who was nuts for raspberry jam.
He liked it on toast
He ate more than most.
He weighed much more than a gram.
I believe my senses are failin’
Whenever I hear Sarah Palin.
She seems to use words
In ways never heard.
And after I feel like I’m ailin’.
A hardworking soul name of Kenny
Asked for a raise of one penny.
He was walked to the door.
“Don’t come back no more!”
And severance? He didn’t get any.
Our backyard is like a small zoo.
There are raccoons and pigeon hawks too.
Squirrels there aplenty,
Fifteen or twenty,
Mice, moles and ants, just a few.
If a skitter bites your big toe
It’s useful to let the bug know
It has sealed its fate –
You don’t let bad things like this go.
There was a gunslinger named Jud,
Whose reputation was nothing but mud.
More often than not
He missed what he shot.
But at least things weren’t covered in blood.
A sweet little squirrel name of Joe,
Gathered up nuts like a pro.
But he failed to provide
A place they could hide,
So another squirrel took them, you know.
I once had a dollar to spend
But gave it instead to a friend.
The funny thing was
I guess, just because,
That friendship soon came to an end.
Julia Roberts was hitchin’ a ride
So I pulled my car off to the side.
I was havin’ great luck,
Then saw Sandra Bullock.
I told Julia to crouch down and hide.
If you see some ants in their hill,
Be nice to them, but I know you will.
They’ve built a nice town,
So don’t tear it down.
Unless ant murder gives you a thrill.
We once had a very strange bird
That spoke, but only one word.
His phone calls were short
One word, then a snort.
He became a great writer, I heard.
I have one favourite ant.
I’d like to find it, but can’t.
It went down a hole,
At least I was told.
The information I have is so scant.
My pet giraffe called Stretch
Would swallow peanuts then retch.
It told him to quit
But regretted it.
So I threw him some cashews to catch.
My parents christened me James.
Big family, they ran out of names.
So James it has been,
But I am called Jim.
I’m the guy that everyone blames.
I’ve considered a life of crime,
It attracts me, from time to time.
But my wife would report me,
And then they’d deport me.
So I will take out a loan at prime.
A funny old man with a cane
One day walked right up my lane.
When I asked him why
He said, with a sigh,
“I am trying to get out of the rain.”
I had a cat named Percy
Who showed poor rodents no mercy.
He chased them all day
With no plans to play.
They needed a doctor and nursey.
There was a grasshopper called Skip
Whose specialty was the back flip.
But one day he fell
Down a watery well.
He had been warned he might slip.
I once knew a frog named Glenn.
He disappeared but I don’t know when.
He was there by the pond
And then he was gone.
I sure hope nobody frognapped him.
If I ate an apple a day
And kept my poor doctor away.
He’d fire his nurse
And close up, or worse.
He needs me to drop in and pay.
I was seven when we got a TV,
But it didn’t at all bother me.
I just stared at the wall,
With my popcorn and all,
Where I knew the new TV would be.
There was a wee beetle named Paul.
He was chubby but not very tall.
His clothes didn’t fit.
He said, “To hell with it.”
And he went without clothing at all.
I’ve not written a limerick in days.
Maybe I’ve mended my ways.
But I’m thinking at home
About one more great poem
Which I’ll write if my poementum stays.
I live in a little blue home
With a clock and a fridge and a phone.
I don’t envy kings
In those big castle things
Cause I have got one of my own.
I would tell you a tale about Mary,
But no words I can find rhyme with Mary.
Not even one.
Hey, this is no fun.
So my next poem will be about Harry.
There was a young fellow named Pete
Who was badly addicted to meat.
He ate a whole cow
Then a hen and a sow
And left only their tails and their feet.
There was a young chicken named Gwen
Who had a thing for a rooster called Ken.
So they cockled and doodled
And fuddled and foodled
And now have a family of ten.
There was a wee gerbil named Frank
Who got tired of life in his tank.
There was nothing to do
And the build up of poo
Meant his cheap little habitat stank.
A mouse and a kitty were wed
But couldn’t get comfy in bed.
The mouse stole the covers
And they really weren’t lovers
So kitty ate mousey instead.
I once knew a chef named Jill
Whose meals always made people ill.
She felt awful, of course,
And was full of remorse,
Cause nobody paid their bill.
There was a poor doggy named Fred.
“I’m always hungry,” he said.
“They do feed me kibble
But only a little.
I’m starvin’ and soon I’ll be dead.”
There was an old baker named Joe
Who died face down in his dough.
No one could guess
The cause of his death
But I think he kneaded to go!
A fine young fellow named Ben
Came home one day with a hen.
He thought he would try
To teach it to fly.
He was not the smartest of men.
There was a young doofus named Bill
Who sat on his window sill.
“Get down!” yelled his Dad.
“I won’t,” said the lad.
“If I want to sit here I will.”
I knew a bad singer named Hearst
Whose warbling was really the worst.
He would take a nice song
And do it all wrong.
His vocal cords must have been cursed.
There was an iguana named Bert
Who chewed on his tail till it hurt.
So they took out his teeth
Which gave him relief
But his tail now is chock full of dirt.
My cat hangs out by the shed
With plans to make something dead.
He finds a fat mole
Hiding down in a hole
And soon my old kitty is fed.
I knew an impertinent lad
Who always said things that were bad.
I said, “Hey there, Pat.
“Quit being a rat!”
He had learned to be rude from his dad.
There is an old house in my town
Where ghosts have been hanging round.
They cackle and yell
And I run like hell.
They’ll catch me, no trace will be found.
There was a mechanic named Bob
Who couldn’t hang onto a job.
His cars wouldn’t start.
They all fell apart.
So he went to work for the Mob.
Don was an little orange mouse
That somehow got into the house.
He scrabbled and pooped,
And wandered and snooped,
But mostly he whined and he groused.
I once knew a gal name of June
Who slathered herself with perfume.
Her friends’ spirits sagged
As they choked and they gagged.
She finally bathed, none too soon.
A man on our street name of Barnes
Had short legs but very long arms.
He swung from the trees
With the greatest of ease.
He was homely, but he had other charms.
There was an old man who delayed
Beginning his duties each day.
He hummed and he hawwed
Then prayed hard to God
To take all his odd jobs away.
I once owned an old beat up car
That went fast, but not very far.
It was ugly as sin
For the shape it was in
But nicer than some new cars are.
I once had a yellow Corvette.
I wish I still had that car yet.
It drove like a dream
And I liked to be seen
Flying down the road in my jet.
One thing to know about me:
I always say, “I’m sorry.”
But often I’m not.
I fake it a lot.
Also I always worry.
I once knew a farmer named Ray
Who only knew how to grow hay.
No corn, beans or wheat
For his livestock to eat.
They got mad and all ran away.
There was a young priest name of Flynn
Who held all his feelings within.
One day he confided
And broke down and cryded
To stop him I yelled, “It’s a sin!”
Ever heard of a piggy named Slim?
Maybe you should get acquainted with him.
He has a fine snout
Which he likes to stick out
And he keeps himself well-groomed and trim.
A nice little piglet named John,
Squealed cause he couldn’t find Mom.
He enquired of a cow,
“Have you seen my sow?
“She was here but now she is gone.”
I once knew a small centipede
Who only had 98 feet.
Two others he lost
In a foot-freezing frost.
“It was awful,” he said. I agreed.
An African lion named Ted
Once offered to remove my head.
I said, “Teddy, dear,
“See the young tour guide here?
“Please feel free to take his instead.”
I start every day with a rhyme.
“What will I scratch out this time?”
I wonder aloud
Then feel oh so proud
With my latest limerickan crime.
A guy with orange features named Don
Whacked an election sign on my lawn.
I yelled, “Hey, brainless twit!
“Get rid of it!
“I’m voting for Mrs. Clint-on!”
I once had a bug named June
Who showed up in March, way too soon.
I gave her a coat
And scarf for her throat
But a snowfall led to her ruin.
I once had a turtle named Joe.
He was cute but impossibly slow.
As I rushed around
He’d sit there and frown.
It seems he had nowhere to go.
I sit down behind the shed
An old cap covers my head
I go there to hide
As the cats wait inside
Demanding that they be fed.
I’d tell you about my iguana
But friends, I don’t really wanna.
He is not very nice,
Has bitten me twice,
And crapped in my marijuana.
I am friends with a bee named Barney
Who appears to have no plans to harm me.
I sit in my chair.
He buzzes my hair.
He seems to want only to charm me.
I once knew a bee named Bob
Who was an unrepentant slob.
He stole all the honey
And sold it for money.
Then sat on his bum like a blob.
We once had a goose named Zeke.
He hung out down by our creek.
He waddled and honked
But then he got bonked
By a rock and boy did he shriek.
I have no limerick today.
My bankrupt brain said, “No way!”
I asked, “Just one more?”
But Brain closed the door.
For once I have nothing to say.
The best advice I ever heard
Was to never say a discouraging word.
But I couldn’t comply
When a jackass drove by
So I cursed him and flipped him the bird.
I couldn’t match Rip Van Winkle
Because there is one little wrinkle.
To sleep for so long
For me would be wrong.
I’d have to wake up to tinkle.
Trudeau has failed a big test.
He elbowed a lawmaker’s breast.
It is shown on YouTube.
He assaulted her boob.
So he finally manned up and confessed.
I know a groundhog named Bert
Who has a nasty allergy to dirt.
He has learned how to climb
And now lives in a pine.
I think he’ll fall out and get hurt.
A girl I have known as my daughter
Did something she shouldn’t have otter.
She made fun of my poem
Now she’ll have to leave home
Without the nice suitcase I bought her.
By Sarah Hagarty
Daughter of Renowned Terrible Limericker
I once knew a man named James
The limericks he wrote were quite lame.
Each one was a flop
We begged him to stop
But he has not one ounce of shame.
I once knew a man named Pete
Who had terrible smelly feet.
He wouldn’t wear shoes
And here’s the bad news:
At Wal-Mart he worked meet and greet.
There is a big jerk name of Trump
Who is welcome to kiss my rump.
He brays like a mule
Has the brains of a fool
And the wits of an old tree stump.
I once knew a girl named Kate
In her heart there was no trace of hate
But I bugged her somehow
And I think I know how
I ate the pie right off of her plate.
I once had a dog named Luke
Who couldn’t control his puke.
He threw up on my shoes
But here’s the good news.
Turned out it was only a fluke.
We once had a cat named Frank
Who jumped in our pool and sank.
On his bed in the house
We performed mouse to mouse.
He revived, it was only a prank.
There once was a girl named Jill
Who pushed her friend Jack down a hill.
To disguise the crime
And avoid doing time
She fell down too, the pill.
There once was a girl named Jill
Who pushed her friend Jack down a hill.
They took her to jail
But then she made bail.
Convict her? I don’t think they will.
There once was a worm named Ben
Who could count but only to ten.
He had no career path
Cause he couldn’t do math.
So he went back to digging again.
I once knew a man named Chuck
Who was friends with a fat little duck.
He was taken aback
When his pal wouldn’t quack
So he sold it to buy an old truck.
There once was a man named Claude
Who is six feet under the sod.
I’ve forgotten to say
He ended his days
Not with a yell but a nod.
There once was a man named Bruce
Whose BMs were overly loose.
I advised, like a dork,
He invest in a cork.
Now I’m treated to daily abuse.
There once was a man named Sal
Who was my last and only pal.
But he moved far away
And hates me today
But at least I still have his gal.
There once was a bug named Fred
Who burrowed down deep in my bed.
A long fart in my sleep.
Now from Fred, not a peep.
I believe the wee fellow is dead.