Thinking the Unthinkable

By Jim Hagarty
Punn Ditt Inc.

A Facebook friend scolded me recently for engaging in useless speculation such as this, but everyone deserves a hobby, don’t we?

I joked in a FB post today about Sarah Palin being a better choice for president than Donald Trump. Then I thought about that a bit more.

Sarah Palin is not a malignant narcissist. She might be a little self-centered but maybe not much more than most of us.

She actually has some experience at governing as a small-town mayor and governor of a state.

She is portrayed as dumb, but I doubt she is. Uneducated, maybe, but not stupid. She has $13 millon in the bank. I don’t.

She is a grifter, no doubt, but as far as I know, has not left a trail of unpaid contractors and victims of con jobs such as Trump has.

She can be self-deprecating and has a sense of humour.

She seems to be a fairly happy person. Prone to a bit of self-pity, maybe, but shouldering the task of raising a family pretty well, it seems, a family that includes a developmentally delayed child. She has been married once.

She is fun-loving. Maybe not my kind of fun or yours, but she likes snowmobiles and ATVs, shooting rifles and partying hearty. The word normal comes to mind.

Her demerits are not inconsequential.

She is a bit revengeful and a whole lot self-righteous. Some would say too religious. But at least she seems to acknowledge there is a power greater in the universe than Sarah Palin.

She is cocky but I do think she is humble enough to admit what she doesn’t know. As president, I think she would surround herself with the best people she could.

Most of all, I think she would get the seriousness of the job. I don’t think she would embarrass the U.S. on the world stage even if she would not always shine.

She would have to moderate some of her views and be willing to move out of her comfort zone of tea party beliefs.

But if Sarah Palin was president, despite all the years of mockery directed her way, I think Americans and citizens of the world would be able to sleep at night and impeachment would not be discussed.

Most of all, Sarah Palin is not an evil person, in my view. When she calls herself patriotic, I believe her.

BTW, I fell down the steps and landed on my head today but I am feeling much better. Having a little trouble thinking straight.

No, seriously, that’s where things are after three weeks of Trump. He is making a lot of people look good, including Sarah Palin.

Alas, we will never know what she could have done. Canadians, however, might have to get used to her being the U.S. ambassador to our country. I don’t think that would be the end of our world.

Please Say It Ain’t So

There has been lots of online reaction to the idea that Sarah Palin could be the U.S. ambassador to Canada.

Including this comment:

“Dear Mr. Trump: Rather than appoint Sarah Palin as ambassador to Canada, please bomb us. Signed, all intelligent life in Canada.”

And these:

  • Sarah Palin is being considered for job as ambassador to Canada. She’s presently on a flight to Europe to meet with us.

  • Sarah Palin: If you do come to Canada don’t forget to drive on the other side of the road.

If the Shoes Fit, Wear Them

By Jim Hagarty
2008

I used to mark many of the milestones in my life in relation to how I had finally come of age for this thing or the other.

It was all about getting to finally do things that were never available to you before.

Old enough to drive the tractor. Old enough to shave. And believe it or not, old enough to smoke. When I was young, the question was not, will it hurt his health but is he old enough. That was quite a big day when no one objected when you lit up – or downed a bottle of beer.

Then, of course, there was driving the car. And girlfriends.

But the real passage from boy to man came when my dad’s clothes fit me. To imagine, when you’re young, that you would ever grow so much as to be able to throw on his jacket or boots was just impossible.

Yet, the day came and while it was a big one for me, I never wondered for a moment what he must have thought about it, if he thought about it at all.

Now, as a dad myself, the milestones are recorded somewhat in reverse. You know the kids are growing – the clothing bills are enough evidence of that – but they’ll never catch up. Surely. These are people who you used to be able to carry around in the palm of one hand.

One day, you try on your son’s new shoes and find they are too big for you. Too big. That’s impossible. He gives you his old ones – hardly broken in – and they fit like a glove.

When you first saw those feet, each of them was about as big as your thumb. Now, they’re bigger than your feet.

Each generation, it seems, grows a little larger than the one before it. A little better looking. And very often, a little smarter too. As far as I know, my kids aren’t counting the days till they can smoke. And at this point anyway, they think that drugging and over-drinking hold no appeal.

They are more conscious of the importance of a good diet than I ever was.

I often feel a pang when I see another sign that the birds will fly from the nest someday not too many years down the road. But I take some consolation in being the beneficiary of the good taste in clothing with which both my dad and my son seem to have been blessed.

So for the next while, in any case, if you see a marked improvement in my attire, it might not be as a result of some sudden infusion of clothing sense on my part but a passage, once more, through the closet and drawers of another generation.

You Know What Really Bugs Me?

By Jim Hagarty
2017

Now and then, my nose itches so badly I practically scratch it right off my face. Although the theory is that all that nose scratching means I am about to kiss a fool, very little kissing ever seems to follow the scratching, fools or otherwise.

I do not know the cause of this strange affliction but I am guessing it is due to an allergy of some kind. Maybe I will have to cut back on my cherry pies.

But after reading a news item today, I don’t know whether to be grateful or terrified. I don’t want to give anyone nightmares so if you are prone to those, you might want to stop reading now.

A 42-year-old woman in India finally solved the puzzle of her itchy nose and it is nothing to sneeze at. A fully grown cockroach had crawled up one of her nostrils and it took 12 hours, four hospital visits, and a pair of forceps in order to get the creepy crawler to leave.

The roach was located in the nasal cavity between the woman`s eyes, close to the brain, and had begun to make it hard for her to breathe.

“It was alive. And it didn’t seem to want to come out,” said a doctor who treated the woman. At first, doctors tried to suction the creature out of the woman’s nose, but this only caused it to cling stronger to her nasal cavity. In the end, they needed to use forceps to pull it out in a procedure that lasted about 45 minutes.

Although this was the first time any of the doctors reported seeing something as large or strange as a full-grown cockroach in a person’s body, unfortunately creepy crawlers like to take refuge inside of us more often than you know, states the news story. Human bodies are warm and moist, or in other words, an ideal home for an insect.

Also in India, a 12-year-old girl was so unlucky as to have not just one bug inside of her body, but an entire colony. The young girl complained of head pain, and upon closer examination, doctors found that an ant colony was living inside of her. A dozen or so ants emerged from her ears each day, and doctors believe that hundreds could actually be living inside of her head.

In another case, a woman in China complained of ear pain. When doctors looked inside, they found a spider living in her ear canal. Maybe even worse was a 92-year-old woman who was found to have had 57 maggots living in one of her ears. Doctors believe a fly crawled inside her ear and laid eggs.

So cheer up. I really hope nothing is bugging you. And if it is, you might want to see a doctor. Whatever you do, dont take a can of Raid and spray it up your nose or in your ears. Youd be better off to kiss a fool.

Give me a call. I will be right over.