State of Alablameya

The State of Alabama is on the hotseat these days. If polls are any indication, it looks like voters there are ready to elect accused child molester Roy Moore to the U.S. Senate. This has prompted some Internet commenters to dub the state, “Alabamistan” and “Talibama” and to remark that there is an active organization there called “Y’All Qaeda”.

The Fraud’s Prayer

The Fraud’s Prayer
Our pussy-grabber who art in the Oval Office, Con-Artist be thy name, thy jail time come, thy will soon be done, as you are surely going to go to prison and not to heaven. Give us our daily tweet and blame everything on Hillary’s trespasses, and continue to lie about your Russian trespasses against us, lead us not into a nuclear war, and may Mueller deliver us from your evil. (From an Internet commenter)

The Young Woman in the Shop

I know a young woman who never smiles.
She works in a shop where I go.
She looks as unhappy as anyone could
And I have no idea why that’s so.

Maybe she hates working there in the shop
And dealing with people like me.
But she’s walked by my place when she wasn’t at work
And she still looks as sad as can be.

Sometimes she is rude when we have an exchange
And I’m tempted to call her on that.
But I don’t want to add to the troubles she has
So I keep it all under my hat.

Maybe things are a mess in her life
Or maybe her mother is ill.
I simply don’t know why she always is down
And I don’t suppose I ever will.

But I hope I am wrong and that’s just her way
Because life is too short we all know,
To spend our time fretting and frowning all day.
At some point we have to let go.

A woman who works alongside this sad one
Is always pleasant and bright.
And who knows, she might have problems that would
Make the sad one’s issues seem light.

A person whose manner says, “Leave me alone”
Will be left alone, that is for sure.
And whether her problems are real or imagined
Life won’t likely hold much joy for her.

  • Jim Hagarty

The Shelf Life

By Jim Hagarty

A close family member is pretty handy at woodworking. So 20 years ago she spent some time in her father’s workshop and crafted some beautiful items which adorn our home.

One shelf was particularly nice and after being painted blue, was promptly put up in a bathroom where it has served masterfully ever since.

Its little cousin, however, did not fare so well. Painted the same shade of blue, this shelf was a bit smaller but just as ornate. And for some reason, though our house has walls aplenty, it just never found one where it belonged. So, it has spent its life as a drifter, going from shed to garage to basement to shed, never settling for long in any one spot, and always stuck in a corner, never fixed to a wall.

I love this shelf and over the past two decades, it is no exaggeration to say I have picked it up and moved it at least a hundred times. Sometimes I moved it into a room with full intention to put it up, but there was always an excuse not to do it. It seemed like a two-person job and the other person could never be rounded up, or I didn’t have the right screws or I gave in to my deathly fear of trying to find the studs behind the drywall.

But today, that all changed.

I was out in the garage, looking lovingly at the shelf, and actually told it out loud that today would be the day. It was sitting on top of an aquarium which I needed to move and so I did. And as I moved the big tank, I heard a bang and looked down. There lie the shelf in pieces on the concrete floor.

My exact words, at this development, were these: “Oh, good heavens. What on earth have I done?” Or less polite words to that effect.

Mostly ignored all these years, the shelf had spent a lot of its time above the rafters in the shed, where the heat in summer cooked it till it had become like foam. The glue had long ago given up. The biggest thing holding it together was the paint. Tonight I will fix it. And give it the finest location in the house and put our favourite pictures on it. Every shelf deserves another chance to finally serve the purpose for which it was created, no matter how broken and battered.

(Update 2017: The shelf got repaired and was attached to a wall in a downstairs bathroom. It is covered in toiletries and, I assume, is happy at last.)

Some Unflattering Descriptions

By Jim Hagarty
Punn Ditt Inc.

Google Analytics tells me that 72 per cent of Lifetime Sentences readers are from the United States, even though I am firmly rooted on a little plot of land in southern Canada. If I drive straight without stopping, I can be in Michigan in about 90 minutes. I have been to the U.S many times and even spent a few days in Washington, D.C., when I was a young man of 18, and of all my travels, that trip still stands out as one of the best. We in Canada are usually of two minds of our southern neighbours. We are fascinated by the history and culture, but a little intimidated by the power. As one of our former prime ministers said, the relationship between our two countries is sort of like sleeping with an elephant. We feel every movement and twitch when the big guy rolls over.

Many Canadians pay as much or more attention to American politics as we do our own. I am one of those people but I was never more invested in current events south of the border as I have been since Donald Trump entered the race to become president. I read almost obsessively about him, pretty much in shock half the time. And as I read, I make notes. The journalist in me, I guess. I keep track of various things, including the ways commenters describe their president on Internet news stories about Trump. What follows here is a collection of those descriptions and I have to warn you, some of them are pretty bold. But that is part of the story of Trump. I don’t know if an American president has been hated in this way before. Please don’t read these if you are easily offended. None of them are my own. I realize this is your president, not mine, but I do believe he is a danger to all people, not just his “subjects.”

Here goes:

President Donald Trump is an incompetent ass; not decent; truly petty; morally corrupt without an ounce of integrity; dumber than a box of shit; a piece of human waste; an arrested developed narcissistic sociopath; an incompetent racist, disrespectful bully and pathological liar; a despicable piece of excrement; a soulless coward; a cruel, weak coward; a lowlife coward; a shithead; a big orange bully; as petty as a little pre-teen girl; a complete incompetent asshole; dumber than a box of rocks; an orange stained bag of fecal matter; a fucking embarrassment; a crazy mean old man; an inhuman piece of work; one crazy ass man; a fucking clown; a scary, horrible man; an ignorant moron; a five-time draft-dodging chicken yellow belly; a man with the charisma, empathy, and intelligence of a rusty cheese grater; the congealed dredgings of a flu infested, hog lagoon pressed into a poorly fitted humanoid skinsuit; an indecent excuse for a human being; the most childish 70-year-old man; a worthless human being; a true nitwit; a gargoyle; a morbid bastard; a really sick liar and pathetic man; a fucking dick; a very delusional mentally sick human being; a hollow shell of a person; suffering from Assheimer’s and Donorheah; a dim-witted piece of shit; a Russian president with the IQ of a walnut; a callous, inept, self-absorbed bigot; a vile, foolish monster; a dangerous clown; a foul monster; a lying sack of elephant shit; a demented, deranged racist; one very sick puppy; a crass mullethead; a pathetic goofy disgrace; a simpleton; a carnival barker; a cowardly pile of manure; a lying sack of donkey shit; a fuckskillet; inadequate and just plain ole disgusting; a useless piece of crap; a lazy loser and pure scum; a complete immoral jerk; a fat, draft-dodging pig; a snake and a sneak; a daft twerp; an uneducated stonehearted jerk; a total asswipe; a national fucking embarrassment; a stupid numbskull; a demented old man; a piece of shit pathological liar; a narcissistic fuckstick; a five-time draft-dodging, pathologically lying, tax and wife cheating, pussy grabbing, Nazi, KKK and Putin loving, mentally ill, misogynistic racist; thin skinned, whiny and wimpy; an orange disgusting maggot; a stupid, ego-driven, shell of a thing with no heart, no functioning brain, no soul; a predator; asinine and a known crook; an irrational douchebag; a disgusting moron manbaby; a brainless twit; an absolute manbaby; an addlepated nodcock; a dottering old pathetic ignorant maniac; a butterscotch pudding filled colostomy bag of a human being; a namby pamby, heel spur, draft-dodging whiney little bitch; an uncouth boorish dirty old man; a worthless fuckknuckle; a demented cockroach; an incurious, self-satisfied grandstanding asshole; a cheap, two-bit vulgarian con artist; an ignorant neanderthal; a lying, crooked, deceptive, thieving shithead ass; a useless cancer of a president; a moron and a scumbag; a disrespectful son of a bitch; a lying orange sack of crap; the king of easily disproven lies; a lying douche coward; a gigantic pile of orange dogshit; a foul orange-haired bastard.