I Swear Your Honour

By Jim Hagarty

A man in Nova Scotia
Was picked up by police
Because he swore in public
And shocked somebody’s niece.

I’m glad they caught the bugger,
The ignorant, foul-mouthed shit.
I hope they throw his ass in jail
And put an end to it.

There’s too much goddamned swearing
Going on around us now.
That son of a bitch needs to go to jail
Where he can swear all day and how.

Yes, the cops in Nova Scotia,
Having solved all other crime,
Are after all the swearers now,
And it’s about fucking time.

The Mighty Have Fallen

By Jim Hagarty

So my wife hid behind a wall and stuck her leg out as I ran by.

The arsenic in the stew had had no effect on me so she had moved on to Plan B.

I fell like a mighty oak against a wooden chair. As I lay on the floor reading myself the Last Rites, our dog Toby rushed to the scene and knew exactly what to do. He stuck his tongue down my left ear and oddly, it seemed to help. Toby’s Wax Removal Service is available for rental. Just Google it.

My wife, meanwhile, finally set down the life insurance policy and then came over to assess the damage. I was bleeding from several wounds on my head. One of them was new, having been inflicted by the chair. The others were just the usual.

My wife said I might need staples to close the gash. She went to the shed and came back with the roof staple gun. I protested as I didn’t want blood on my staple gun. So she decided to treat it.

She ran upstairs and came back with a bottle of cayenne pepper which she sprinkled liberally into the cut. I asked for another helping of her stew.

She then fetched some turpentine, windshield washer fluid, WD-40 and rubbing alcohol and when I wouldn’t drink the mixture, she poured it all over my head.

More stew, I screamed.

Toby moved on to my right ear.

My wife sent our daughter to the shed for some duct tape. She came back with a roll of white Gorilla tape. They use that tape to make repairs on the space shuttle.

Toby is my only friend. I would kiss him but he has a bad case of wax breath.

Help me!

Preliminary Hearing Suspended

By Jim Hagarty

I am not a conspiracy nut, but I do honestly believe that there has been a plot hatched and carried out by certain people around me to convince me that bats have better hearing than I have.

On several occasions, in fact, my nearest and dearest have levelled the ridiculous claim that I am deaf as a post.

This is an insult to posts and arrogance unlimited. Who are they to say that a post cannot hear? Or that it has no feelings, in fact.

But being the sensitive kind, I have begun to believe the charges being levelled against me. And it is becoming a self-fulfilling claim. I have begun not hearing as well as I used to because of my so-called deaf-as-a-postness.

However, tonight I got the ammunition I have been searching for which will even the score. I was in a shop when I saw hanging there a pair of “volume reduced” headphones. In an instant, my epiphany was realized and strong. My problem is not that I am hearing reduced at all. The dilemma comes from the obvious fact that I am living in a volume reduced world. Volume reduction is even being sold on store shelves now, for pete’s sake, without any care for people of normal hearing capabilities such as I.

It has been suggested that I spend thousands of dollars to render myself “hearing enhanced.” I will not do it.

What I will do instead, however, is to start a campaign to end the scourge of volume reduction. The next thing you know, shelves will be stocked with “sight reduced” eyeglasses.

At least that’s what I hear.