Lifetime Sentences

By Jim Hagarty
Renowned Terrible Limericker

If you want an hour of sheer fright.
Go upstairs in an old barn at night.
Leave your flashlight behind.
You’ll go out of your mind.
No one will get you, but they might.

By Jim Hagarty
Here is me, warbling away into my little digital recorder. This song, To Make You Feel My Love, was written by Bob Dylan and made famous, first by Garth Brooks, and then by Adele.

By Jim Hagarty
1988

It’s a great mystery to me why mankind is still plagued with so many problems when science and technology have given us so many solutions. And at such affordable prices.

Why, for example, are there still people who do not have a full, thick head of hair when the Helsinki Formula could grow them a new crop overnight? At a laughably low cost.

Why do we humans put up with sagging bodies and spirits, annoying aches and pains, lonely hearts, financial crises and a host of other troubles when for a very few dollars we could clear up all these woes for good? And clear them up in record time.

Some will say life is problems. To live is to suffer. No pain, no gain. These are people who have not opened their eyes. Opened them up to the ads in the supermarket tabloids.

Just see if most of what’s bugging you couldn’t be cleared up with a small investment in some of the following devices, cures and formulas, promoted in a publication I picked up this week.

Eyes puff out like pillows? “No more under-eye puffiness. Look years younger by using Eye Puffiness Minimizer. Only $6.99.”

Hair limp and wimpy? “Your hair can be longer, stronger and thicker in just one week. ‘Hairlong’ protein lotion is actually sucked up by each individual hair to strengthen and thicken your hair up to 36 per cent more. Only $4.90.”

Friends, Romans, countrymen won’t lend you their ears? “How to make others secretly do your bidding with the astonishing power of Automatic Mind Command. How to get started in just three minutes is all contained in The Miracle of Psycho-Command Power. Only $12.95.”

Face sagging like a sack full of earthworms? “Playboy model Vikki LaMotta offers you her 90-second facelift. Free. Only $19.95.”

Cash flow down to a trickle? “I make people into lottery millionaires. Now I want to make you and 99 others millionaires too. Only $1.”

Blimping out, are we? “I lost 54 pounds without dieting and look and feel great. New! Super-fast Japanese fat-reducing pill just released. Results 100 per cent guaranteed. Only $19.95.”

Hurtin’ all over? “Micro Magnets. New miraculous pain-relieving therapy. Drug free. No side effects. Only $19.95.”

Eyes like prunes? “Miracle Sunglasses stop eye wrinkles. Secret coating blocks dangerous UV rays. (Warning: Cheap Fakes May Be Available.) Only $9.95.”

Rover smellin’ like an backhouse on fire? “Pet Perfume. Because pets have a right to smell pretty too. Only $5.”

Mugged and miserable? “Rape. Robbery. Murder. Don’t be next! Protect yourself with The Guardian. A harmless looking flashlight that will render any attacker helpless. Only $19.95.”

Single and sorry? “You will be married in less than a year. Only $9.95.”

Packed with pickin’ potential? “Play guitar in seven days. Or money back. Only $6.98.”

Gut got you grumpy? “Flatten your stomach in four-and-a-half minutes. Guaranteed. No pills. No diets. Only $9.95.”

Need a miracle? “I will cast a spell for you. Tell Andreika what you want. (One spell at a time). Only $13.50.”

Perennial loser? “Crack the lottery in 10 seconds flat. Only $5.”
You see? Now, what’re you waitin’ for? Get those money orders in the mail.

And if you want to really shoot for the top, what the heck? Try this one. “You can become a super-being. By following simple instructions, everything you desire will materialize instantly. Just snap your fingers and count one, two, three. Order, Unseen Kingdoms. Only $11.95.”

I bet you’re feelin’ better already. Sure you are.

That’ll be $5.

By Jim Hagarty
Renowned Terrible Limericker

I once had a tapeworm named Finn.
He really got under my skin.
He ate all my food
But I got him good.
He drowned when I swallowed some gin.

By Jim Hagarty
1988

As an editor at a daily newspaper in a small, Southwestern Ontario city in Canada, I have long wondered if most of the really exciting stories that are taking place in this big, wide world are passing me by. While I’m writing headlines to go on the tops of articles about landfill sites, 90th birthdays, plowing matches and town council meetings, are other journalists out there having a more rip-roaring time of it? Are they getting to handle stories they can really sink their teeth into?

Apparently, they are.

While waiting in a grocery store checkout line recently, I noticed this huge headline calling out to me from the front page of a paper in the newstand: Termite baby eats mom out of home. An accompanying headline, in smaller type, clarified: He crunched crib to sawdust.

“Oh my gosh,” I thought. “I hope he’s not headed this way.”

Grabbing the paper from the rack, I flipped to page 27 and there, staring out from a black and white photo with an evil grin on his infant face, was 18-month-old Erwin Edsten, displaying a set of molars, incisors and bicuspids so big and sharp they belong in a sawmill, not a baby’s mouth. Fascinated, and a little frightened, I started reading.

“Looking tiny and tender, a soft, cuddly infant suddenly turns into a monstrous eating machine as he crawls from room to room devouring everything in sight. Not even furniture is safe from the jaws of this hungry horror.”

Poor Erwin, it seems, was born with a full set of teeth and an appetite as big as a forest and he’s been chomping ever since. He eats chairs, tables, floors, walls, clothing, pencils, paper, cushions and even mattresses. His latest meal was his own crib.

“Erwin eats nothing but wood and cloth,” his mother is quoted as saying. “We try to feed him regular food but he spits it out.”

“Now when,” I asked myself, “was the last time a real good story like that crossed my desk?”

A little dejected, I bought the paper and took it home. At 79 cents, the publication turned out to be a real bargain. It was jam-packed with amazing news.

Talking parrot predicts quakes and tornadoes, reads one headline and beside it is a picture of Ernie, the psychic bird.

“The first few times Ernie kept yammering about earthquakes and fires and whatnot,” says his owner, “I didn’t pay any attention.” But, now she does and she’s living proof of Ernie’s powers because in the years she’s had him, Mariatt De Bouville has never been hurt in an earthquake, a fire or a whatnot. So there you go.

It’s vasectomy or jail for dad of 42 kids, says a headline on page 6.

“Because his huge family is draining the town’s welfare funds dry, authorities have ordered Hans Heinz to submit to sterilization – or he’ll be facing a jail sentence for contempt of court.

The reporter gives both sides of the story:

“God gave me a talent and I’m making full use of it,” says Hans, who hasn’t held a job in years. “And who knows? It may be one of my kids who discovers a cure for cancer.” But one town commissioners fed up: “At least if he goes to jail, it’ll keep him away from his girlfriends.”

Man meets female self through dating service.

Victim of a split personality, the male side of this fellow Harvey gets matched up with his female side. But the story’s incomplete. What is left unanswered is, who pays for supper and movie when they go out?

Foot-long cockroaches terrorize renters.

In search of foot-long hotdogs, no doubt, the mutant insects escaped from a lab. “A horde of them attacked my cat and nearly killed it,” complains one renter. Foot-long or not, I’d like to see them attack my cat.

Docs cut giant down to size.

Once 7-foot-6, he’s now 6-foot-2. I didn’t read the story but I can imagine how they did it. They probably threw a few foot-long cochroaches in his bed when he was sleeping. Or got him to put on some wooden shoes and babysit little Erwin for an hour or two.

Dog saves owner by using CPR.

Riff the dog’s a real hero now. “He licked the man’s face and then started jumping on him,” a witness claims.

That did it. I was hooked. This week, I saw the latest edition of the paper. I wasn’t disappointed. Baby born holding its five-inch twin, announced the main headline, and above it: Lightning bolt splits man into male and female. I wasn’t long getting my 79 cents down on the counter, let me tell you.

Wrinkle cream causes model to grow beard and mustache.

“My face is my fortune,” Lisa moans. “And right now, my face isn’t worth much.”

Woman told she must cut vocal cords of 21 pet dogs.

Neighbours complained about too much barking. Surprise, surprise. I say, get Riff to teach ’em all CPR.

Phony doc jailed for operating on 248 patients. If he’d operated on only 247, he’d have been all right.

Stranded man eats own leg to stay alive. Lost in the desert, downed pilot Peter Lind dined on his own drumstick.

This paper has everything. Farm news: Cows trained to act as bodyguards for lambs, and $1,000 found in cow’s stomach. Marital advice: How to gag a nag. You can shut mate up forever. Supernatural research: Man captures friendly ghost in hot wax, and Phony pyschic trapped in her own crystal ball. And crime news: Chimp dressed as midget robs bank.

Then there’s the story about the woman who bit off another woman’s nose and spit it on the floor, the man who’s selling land on the moon for $5 an acre (the landscaping’s extra) and the man who is hooked on laughing gas and is not amused. Well, he is. Sort of.

Sigh. Those big-time reporters. They have all the fun. If I could just once meet little Erwin, feed him a table leg or two. Or watch Riff the dog perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

But I won’t. You just watch. I’ll be writing up 90th birthdays till I celebrate my own.