On Friday afternoon, a firetruck in Stratford left its station, siren at full blast. Cars and trucks pulled over to let it pass and pedestrians ran for their lives. The truck was headed for what has now become known as The Great Albert Street Inferno. Through the red light at a main intersection it plowed on its way to Jim Hagarty’s house.
Pushing around, with a stick, the embers of a small backyard fire he had going, straw-hatted Hagarty, as he is happily uninformed of most things, was blissfully unaware of this developing drama, until two young firefighters were standing in front of him, scolding him for having a fire. He explained he had just burned some twigs, branches, and maple leaves, but they had had reports of smoke and someone had called to complain. While they watched, the owner of the above mentioned backyard was forced to put out his dying cinders with the water from a garden hose. He was handed a sheet explaining the backyard fire rules (a sheet that anarchist Hagarty will use to help start his next fire), was wished a good day and was left alone.
Allergic to being scolded, a little thing left over from boyhood, and suddenly feeling surrounded by traitorous neighbours on a street where he has lived for 33 years, Hagarty went Full Idiot, two threat levels up from his usual Idling Idiot, and was determined to find the bugger who had ratted him out, with the purpose of asking that traitor why he or she hadn’t just wandered over to his place to find out what was going on.
Hagarty’s (true, accurate) recollection of events was this: He filled a barrel with twigs, newspapers and leaves and set it ablaze, as he has done dozens of times. For a few minutes, a white, odourless smoke drifted westward across his lawn and when the wind changed, eastward over his fence to dissipate into his birch tree at the front of his house. This segment of The Great Albert Street Inferno lasted about ten minutes.
The next day, in full investigative mode, with rusty skills left over from his days as a newspaper reporter, Hagarty began recreating the events of the day before. He interviewed neighbours, none of whom gave any hint that they were the ones that shamefully offered Hagarty up to the Fire Gods. In fact, none of them even witnessed the Great Inferno. Not one of them had seen any smoke. It was almost as though the Inferno had never taken place at all. However, they did emerge from their houses to watch the firetruck and its occupants descend on poor, unsuspecting Hagarty. That part of the event was real.
Here is the full story that emerged from Hagarty’s intensive investigation, a story that was put together with great detail 24 hours after the Apocalypse On Albert.
At some point on Friday afternoon, a thick black smoke that gave off a strange, hideous smell, billowed up above Hagarty’s fence and made its way down to the end of the street, entering the open windows of about 15 houses along the way, even the houses with their windows closed. Neighbours, young and old, were practically losing consciousness from the smoke. Cats and dogs were falling over half dead in their tracks. Goldfish were floating bellies up to the tops of their aquariums. Roses instantly withered on their vines.
At a retail business next door to Hagarty, people were emerging from their cars to go shopping and catching a whiff of the smoke, began coughing and covering their mouths as they hurried for the door. Whenever the door opened, great billows of thick black smoke entered the store. And the poor neighbours were left with this one big question: What had happened to the good judgment of Old Jim who had never before done this sort of thing? (A check with that business showed the owners knew nothing about a fire.)
Since then, Old Jim has dialled himself back from Full Idiot to Idling Idiot again, as he sits in his lawnchair on Sunday, a sadder but wiser man. Just once, he thinks, he would like to be a happier but foolisher man.
Maybe some day.
Some bright, fireless day.
As for future fires, they will be scheduled for 4 a.m., when thick, black smoke is difficult to see against the dark night sky.
Another flawless, Hagarty plan.
©2019 Jim Hagarty
