I’m not that hard to involve in a conversation and even if I’m not interested in what you’re saying, I was raised to pretend I am.
But my civility is stretched to its limits when someone assaults me with a detailed account of the events and conversations in the lives of people I don’t know. And tries to make me feel like a numbskull for not knowing them.
Take Farley Grood, for example. I’m sure he’s a wonderful man, a riot at a party and a credit to the Grood family name but I wouldn’t know him if I found him in my bathtub wearing a bathing suit with the words Farley Grood printed all over it. Therefore, whether or not he had his gall bladder out last week or burps at the suppertable when company drops by holds little interest for me.
Still, I’ve never found a really effective way of putting an early end to exchanges such as the following, endured one day in a local eatery.
“I was talking to Farley Grood the other day.”
“Good for you. How’s Farley?”
“Oh, you know Farley?”
“Actually, I don’t. Never met him.”
“You sure? You must have met him. Short fella with a beer belly and a brush cut? Always wears a Blue Jays cap and a Born To Boogie T-shirt? Drives a ’68 Olds Cutlass with a wire clothes hanger for an aerial?”
“Nope. Never met the lad.”
“Oh, you must have. He lives in that grey house out by the drive-in. There’s an old red Studebaker on the front lawn.”
“Never seen the place.”
“No? You’re kiddin’? You don’t know Farley? Everybody knows Farley.”
“Go ahead and shoot me. I don’t know Farley.”
“Well, if you don’t know him, you have to know his brother Newt. Older guy? Runs the variety store out by the golf course? Married one of the Piffle twins?”
“Well, maybe I know Newt …”
“Sure, you do. Everybody knows Newt, through the store and all.”
“What about Newt?”
“Well, it’s just that he’s Farley’s brother, except Farley and him don’t get along that great.”
“What a shame. Two swell guys like that. You’d think they could get along.”
“Ya, but Farley’s not the easiest guy, you know.”
“No?”
“No sir. I could tell you a thing or two about that, someday …”
“So, anyway, what were you going to say about Farley?”
“Oh, ya. Well, Farley’s foolin’ around on Mabel.”
“Mabel? That’s his wife?”
“Heck no. Where’ve you been hidin’? His wife left him years ago. Mabel’s his girlfriend. You probably know her. She was a Blunch.”
“Maybe I do …”
“Sure, you know her. Poor woman. She’d go nuts if she ever found out about Belinda.”
“Farley’s new girlfriend?”
“Ya. Worst of it is, Belinda’s Mabel’s younger sister.”
“I see. Well, listen, I’ve really got to get going …”
“Well, if you see Farley, would you mind telling him my cousin Brutus wants his 50 bucks back?”
“Sure. I’ll do that.”
Right after I call Mabel and tell her about Belinda.
And then ask for an invitation to the next Blunch family reunion.
©1988 Jim Hagarty
