The 7 Per Cent Solution

There are simple ways to avoid being affected by Canada’s new goods and services tax, if you are willing to look for them.

The GST is seven per cent, which means that from now on, one dollar in every 14 that you spend on most goods and services will go to pay the tax.

Therefore, taking the following suggested measures and others you might come up with on your own, should help you keep your budget at the same level as it was before the tax came in.

1. Remove one light bulb for every 14 you have burning in your house.
2. If you’re getting married or just having a party, drop one friend or relative from the invitation list for every 14 on there, thereby reducing your expenses for food, booze, thank-you notes, etc.
3. During February, which has 28 days, stay in bed for two of them, refusing food, drink, etc.
4. Don’t celebrate, with party and presents, the following birthdays: your 14th, 28th, 42nd, 56th, 70th, 84th, 98th, 112th, 126th, 140th, etc.
5. Cut out one of every 14 television programs you watch daily.
6. Lower the thermostat setting on your furnace by one-fourteenth. Drop the temperature from 95 degrees, for example, to an economical 88.4.
7. For your bedtime snack, cut back to 13 chocolate chip cookies from your usual 14. Similarly, at suppertime, put every 14th pea back in the can and save it for tomorrow’s meal.
8. Ask your employer for one less holiday for every 14 days you have coming to you, which will result in your spending seven per cent less on your vacation.
9. Morning and night, brush one less tooth for every 14 you have. As most humans have, 32 or so, skipping two teeth per brush, or four per day, should do it. Every third day, skip an extra tooth to make up the difference.
10. From now on, eat seven per cent less food. Eventually, you will lose seven per cent of your weight. Your new clothes, at only 93 per cent the size of your old ones, will cost seven per cent less. Your decreased weight will improve the fuel efficiency of your car which will now be carrying only 93 per cent of the load it used to. The springs in your bed, couch and easy chair will last seven per cent longer, as will your shoes.

And when you die, you will be able to be buried in a casket seven per cent smaller than the one you would have needed if you hadn’t reduced your food consumption, saving your family seven per cent on funeral expenses.

You will also take up seven per cent less room in the cemetery.

And if you’ve been miserable to one out of every 14 people you know, seven per cent fewer people will show up to bid you farewell, saving on transportation, flowers, cards, etc.

©1991 Jim Hagarty