Month: November 2016

By Jim Hagarty
2016

Argument Between Grandmas Ends In Shootout At Texas Walmart

That was a headline in the Huffington Post this afternoon.

It could have been shortened to Shootout, Texas, Walmart – three words – and everyone would have understood.

But Grandmas?

Ah yes, these days when you think a thing could not possibly be true, a headline will soon prove you wrong. No fake news here. Two raging grannies got right at it in a Walmart parking lot in the Lone Star State.

A child custody swap between the two grandmothers led to the shootout in Dallas that left one woman wounded, authorities said. The two women met to transfer custody of their mutual grandchild around 5:30 p.m. Sunday. An ensuing argument turned violent, Dallas police said.

Janice Brown, 53, allegedly pulled out a gun and shot Carla Hawkins, 55, in her neck, leaving her with injuries that were not life-threatening, police said in a statement. An off-duty officer responded to the scene. Brown allegedly shot at the officer, and he returned fire.

No one was harmed during that exchange, police said.

Maybe no more bullets entered anyone else’s neck but I would argue there was one other person who might have been harmed during that exchange and that person would be the grandchild. Imagine that poor kid watching his or her grandmothers in a fight so violent that one granny shot the other and then shot at a cop. And if the fight began over a dispute about the grandchild, there’s a pile more weight that kid has to bear.

The worst thing the grannies in my small town in Canada do in the Walmart parking lot is take your parking space when you finally find one. Or they will lose control of their shopping cart and it will roll into the side of your car. But this is Canada so, of course, you feel guilty that you parked in the path of the runaway shopping cart and get out of your car to check to see if the granny in question is OK.

However, we are not all popsicles and angel food cake. I have met “related” grannies that were not too fussy on each other.

But home on the range, the worst you might hear now and then, though seldom, is a discouraging word.

And the skies are not cloudy all day.

By Jim Hagarty
2012

I am sitting in a pizza shop in a huge shopping complex in a nearby city called Kitchener. Every time the door opens, my napkins blow off my table onto the floor and a cold wind sweeps over me as though I was adrift on an iceberg.

That’s because all these huge stores, though connected, somehow forgot to put a roof over their mall.

What the heck is it with the end of the enclosed shopping mall? I love those warm, cozy places. Now, with these massive stand-alone stores with entrances that face the parking lots, you have to walk half a mile from store to store in the frickin’ cold, dodging cars like a fox trying to lose the hounds.

Oh well, as a friend of mine used to say, “They didn’t ask me before they went ahead with this and so they did it wrong.”

Too good not to share. From my friend and fellow blogger Al Bossence (thebayfieldbunch.com) on his blog today:

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”

By Jim Hagarty
2015

I am not a conspiracy nut, but I do honestly believe that there has been a plot hatched and carried out by certain people around me to convince me that bats have better hearing than I have.

On several occasions, in fact, my nearest and dearest have leveled the ridiculous claim that I am deaf as a post. This is an insult to posts and arrogance unlimited. Who are they to say that posts cannot hear? Or that they have no feelings, in fact.

But being the sensitive kind, I have begun to believe the charges being made against me. And it is becoming a self-fulfilling claim. I have begun not hearing as well as I used to because of my so-called deaf-as-a-postness.

But tonight, I got the ammunition I have been searching for which will even the score. I was in a shop when I saw hanging there a pair of “volume reduced” headphones. In an instant, my epiphany was realized and strong.

My problem is not that I am hearing reduced at all. The dilemma comes from the obvious fact that I am living in a volume-reduced world. Volume reduction is even being sold on store shelves now, for pete’s sake, without any care for people of normal hearing capabilities such as I.

It has been suggested that I spend thousands of dollars to render myself “hearing enhanced.” I will not do it. What I will do instead, however, is to start a campaign to end the scourge of volume reduction.

The next thing you know, shelves will be stocked with “sight reduced” eyeglasses.

At least that’s what I hear.

By Jim Hagarty
Renowned Terrible Limericker

There once was a turtle named Mel,
Who refused to come out of his shell.
He was quiet and shy,
And I never knew why.
If he was unhappy I never could tell.

By Jim Hagarty
2015

In my teens I drove around looking for parties were young single women might be.
In my twenties I drove around looking for pubs with cold beer.
In my thirties I drove around looking for coffee shops.
In my forties I drove around looking for hamburger joints.
In my fifties I drove around looking for ATMs.
In my sixties I drive around looking for places to pee.