Month: November 2017

By Jim Hagarty
2012
My heart goes out to those facing their first Christmas without a parent or both parents. Guess what I did that first season whenever I heard Anne Murray singing Away in a Manger, my Mom’s favourite hymn by her favourite singer. My first Christmas without my mother. I was single with no children of my own at the time. I think those who are still unattached suffer those losses a little more, but that’s just an opinion. My parents still loom large in my life though they’ve been gone almost 30 years, and they are with me never so much as at Christmas even today. The reason that is so is they were my best friends. And, of course, whenever I want to be reminded of what they were like, I need only look across the room at our son and daughter. And when I hear Anne Murray singing Away in the Manger on the radio, I still tear up. I have tears in my eyes just writing this. And I am glad that I do.

By Jim Hagarty
2016

Good news. So far 18,300 people have applied to NASA to be one of the eight astronauts who will be part of the first manned mission to Mars. Don’t tell my wife but I signed her up as an early birthday present. She has always liked to travel. I would go but somebody has to look after the dog. One concern is the rumour going around that they don’t intend to bring these people back to Earth. But there is always Skype. (Warning: This might have been my final Lifetime Sentences post.)

By Jim Hagarty
2013

I was walking along the sidewalk on the way to the dentist this afternoon when I looked down and saw a hammer. A lightweight one with rubber on the yellow handle. Pretty cool. I am now the owner of a yellow hammer with rubber on the handle.

It occurred to me to leave it where it was in case the rightful owner returned, but I doubt that would happen and someone else’s toolbox would be one hammer fuller tonight. So I walked into the dentist’s office carrying a hammer.

I could see fear in the eyes of the people who work there and read their minds: “Old Jim’s finally gone nuts” as they are aware that I think dental bills are too high and I wonder if they thought I’d come to seek revenge. I explained the story and all was well. But they still looked at me as though I had hit myself in the head with the hammer 50 times before I walked in.

The reason I kept the hammer was this: Years ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop (when they still had stools) and I was right next to the cashier. There was a lineup. I looked down to see a $20 bill on the floor. I picked it up and said, “Anybody lose a 20?” A young man in line instantly yelled, “I did” and grabbed the bill out of my hand. A young woman in front of him with two little kids at her legs frantically started searching in her purse, I believe, for the missing 20. The jerk behind her got it.

So, if I had held that hammer up today and called out, “Anybody lose a hammer?” I know that guy or a jerk just like him would come speeding by on a bike, grab the hammer and take off.

Besides, I think Life throws you a free hammer every now and expects you to take it. So I did.

I nailed it!

So, Mom jumps in the little blue Chevy and heads for the grocery store. A few minutes later, Dad crawls into the much bigger van and goes to the store too, having thought of a few things that he needs. He doesn’t know which store Mom has gone to.

His shopping done, Dad comes out of the store to discover that his van is missing. Most likely stolen. His laptop was inside, so he is unhappy. He wanders the store parking lot, desperately searching for the van. No luck.

However, he notices a little blue Chevy sitting there and checks the licence plate.

“We’ll I’ll be,” he says. “That’s our car.”

As it did for the man who stayed up all night to watch the sun rise, it finally dawns on him. Mom left the store, saw the van, jumped in and rode away.

Married life might not always be a laugh a minute, but it is very rarely dull.

©2012 Jim Hagarty

By Jim Hagarty
2013

On Sunday we took our tiny dog Toby on a walking tour of the small tourists village of St. Jacobs, here in Ontario, Canada. I felt sorry for him as he seemed stressed out much of the time. Every time my wife would enter a store, the little guy would start worrying about her. He seemed to be wondering if he’d ever see her again. His head darted from left, to right to straight ahead and he kept repeating that process every few seconds.

Finally, he’d see her and a big reunion was under way. Till she entered another shop.

This went on for almost two hours and I really felt sorry for the little turkey. Imagine not being able to foresee that his owner would soon be back out to see him and to fret desperately over it.

Today I took a family member to a doctor in the city of London. I told him I would be waiting for him in the food court of the mall across the street and when his appointment was over, he would find me there. I got a slice of pizza and a pop and sat at a little table facing the front doors. My meal done, I started people watching, my favourite thing of all to do. But at some point I noticed I was no longer people watching, but watching for the return of my relative. I looked down the hall to the left, down the hall to the right, and straight ahead to the doors. And my head movements became quicker the longer I sat there.

I started to worry about whether or not there had been an accident. Had my relative been hit by a car crossing the street and the police and medical team were unable to find me? Would I ever see him again? I didn’t freak out but there was a certain urgency bordering on obsessiveness to my waiting and watching. Where the heck was he? This uncertainty was starting to do me in.

Finally, I saw him coming down the hall and I was relieved and excited.

I didn’t, however, jump up on him and lick his face, so you see, dogs and people are entirely different creatures.

A middle-aged man and woman were in bed one night. The man flung back the covers and said, “What would you like to do with my body?” His wife looked at him and said, “Identify it.” That’s gotta hurt.

The Pope, Obama and Trump were set to be executed by firing squad. The Pope stood against a wall. “Earthquake!” he yelled. The riflemen fled and the Pope ran away. Obama was led out. Up against the wall. “Tornado!” he yelled, having seen the trick work for the Pope. The gunslingers fled and Obama ran away. Trump watched the Pope and Obama and knew what to do. He was led out to the wall. The shooters raised their weapons. “Fire!” yelled the Donald.