Listening for Henry

By Jim Hagarty
2011
Here’s something potentially amazing. I heard an expert on a science radio program yesterday saying that theoretically, every sound that has ever been made since the dawn of time is still out there somewhere, though obviously very faint. If we had the technical tools to do this, it would also be theoretically possible for us to capture those sounds so we could listen to William Shakespeare having a conversation with Anne Hathaway or Jesus talking to his disciples or any other sounds made in the past that we wanted to hear. I would like to hear Henry VIII fart after one of his big meals.

Children Act Just Like Kids

By Jim Hagarty
1988

As a concept, I think kids are great. They have cute smiles, say cute things and look cute when they’re all dressed up like mini-adults in their Sunday morning dresses and little sports coats. As a way of carrying on the human race, they’re ideal. A great idea. I can’t think of a better way to start out in life than as a kid.

Show the average child the least bit of attention and you’ll be wipin’ sloppy kisses off your cheek for a hour. And when they decide they like you, they go all out to show it. They don’t give a hoot about your appearance or the frailties in your character and will love you whether you rob banks for a living or belong to the peace corps.

But kids also don’t wait for a judge and jury to find you guilty or innocent before deciding they don’t like you. And if they don’t like you, backing up to their front door with a truckload full of toys once a week won’t win them over. Where they used to be just a kid who doesn’t like you, now they’ll be a kid with a lot of toys who doesn’t like you.

Like most things in this world, kids sound better in theory than they very often are in practice. The tame ones are generally preferable to the untamed ones though even the quiet ones will get into mischief if they’re alone for a while. But all kids, wild or domesticated, are by nature opposed to order and feel better in the midst of chaos. This is why they spend their days creating it.

Perhaps the most admirable trait of children, a feature that somehow gets trained out of them later on, is their absolute directness of purpose. Whatever they want to do, they do, regardless of where they are at the moment when it strikes them to do it. Or say it. Or throw it. Or jump on it.

But endearing as their strength of will may be, there are also times when a person might be forgiven for mistaking this as a liability and not an asset. Take the day I was walking down the street when I saw a young mother and her preschool boy walking toward me, hand in hand. So cute was he, that I smiled at the two of them as they approached and bent down to ask his name when we met. I planned to pat him on the head and tell him what a good little boy he was. Uninterested in such social pleasantries, the boy instead walked up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in one of my shins. Perhaps this commando maneuver was taught in his streetproofing class or perhaps he was the son of a professional wrestler. Whatever the case, I was not aware until then that such a thing as the steel-toed bootie had even been invented and I still can’t understand why it’s legal.

A person can love ice cream without liking every flavour, and so too is it possible to love children without immediately taking a shine to every kid he sees. Take the one I met one day recently. I saw him looking at me, realized he was going to speak and expected him to tell me he got a new water pistol or that his grandmother gave him a dollar for his birthday. Instead, he had this to say to me:

“How’s it going, Tubby?” he asked.

I was shocked. I know when I slouch and if the light is wrong, I can be mistaken for a person who should lose about two, maybe three, pounds. But Tubby? I asked him what it was he’d called me.

“I called you Tubby,” he said, defiantly.

“Well, don’t call me that again!” I ordered him.

“Why?” he asked me.

“Because that’s not my name,” I said.

A few quiet moments passed. Finally, he asked me: “So, did you plant those trees, Tubby?”

Fortunately, at my age, unlike him, I am able to think out a mature response to belligerent exchanges such as this. Were I a child, too, I would have engaged in a name-calling spree or threatened to tell his dad.

Instead, I said nothing. I do plan, however, to put a rubber snake in his wading pool.

Behind Closed Doors

By Jim Hagarty
2015

They say the only walls that ever imprison us are the ones we build ourselves. And that there are many doors we encounter along the way and we need only open them and walk on through. Sometimes that is easier said than done and in that, is the challenge of life. It is an even bigger challenge for some people than for others.

Take a Florida couple, for example. Last week, for some reason, they were wandering the halls of a college where they didn’t belong. Apparently, someone chased them into a closet and closed the door. There they stayed for two whole days until, desperate, they phoned 911 and asked the police to come save them.

The police showed up, found the closet and opened the door. With ease. There was no lock on it. And yet, the couple thought they had been locked in.

In this case, however, it doesn’t appear that any fancy philosophy fits the situation. Both of them proved they do not belong in a college. Not because they are too old or too poor, but because they are dumb enough to get locked in a closet behind a door that won’t lock. And to stay there for two days. No food. No bathroom breaks. And, I am going to guess, no intelligent conversation.

Who said, when one door closes, another one opens? I don’t know who said it but it wasn’t one of these two superstars.


There is an alternative moral to this story. Many of us don’t try opening doors because we think they are locked. Like the high school girls who would have gone out with us but we never asked them because we had put them on a pedestal.

The Feathery Snitch

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: “OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?” thebayfieldbunch.com

My Missing Bankroll

By Jim Hagarty
2012
My wallet went missing for three days. Distress befell me. Today, I went to a kitchen cupboard and took out the basket that holds my pills. There, amidst the bottles, was the wallet. This raises a disturbing question in two different ways, both having to do with my memory. One: Why would I put my wallet in the pill bottle basket and think that was the correct place to put it? Two: I take these pills daily so apparently I have not taken my pills in three days or I would have found my wallet before this. Oh man, this is not good. I am hopeful that the light is not beginning to burn out at the top of the stairs as I don’t know where to buy a replacement bulb.

How To Control A Cat

By Jim Hagarty
2002

Let loose in urban societies, the lowly cat is a destructive force that needs to be contained. It sits on the hoods of nice cars, defiles flower beds and harasses small animals and birds. It fights with other cats at 4 a.m. and raises hairs on the heads of humans with its caterwauling when in heat.

But as with most problems, there are solutions to this one too. Here are some practical suggestions from Feline Stoppers Inc. on how to get the upper hand on this pesky little beast so that all you town and city folk out there can get back to enjoying your lives.

  1. Encourage your community to pass bylaws forcing cat owners to buy licences for their animals and to keep them on leashes when they are outside. If leashes prove too unwieldy and too easily escapable, chains might be considered as an alternative. This will be a first step, albeit an important one, in the War Against Felineism.

  2. The sharp claws of the cat are what cause so much damage to automobile paint jobs, wooden porches and fences and screen doors. Owners should have a qualified surgeon remove all the claws from both the front paws and back paws of the cat so that it can cause no such further harm to its environment.

  3. A cat’s many razor-like teeth are another weapon it uses in its merciless campaign against the other small creatures in your neighbourhood. A veterinarian specializing in feline dentistry should be hired to remove all of the cat’s chompers, thereby eliminating this problem. The cat can be thenceforth fed soft food, completely eliminating its need for teeth.

  4. It is a simple procedure for small-animal vets to severe the vocal cords of the cat, thus rendering it silent for the rest of its days. Some vets might refuse to perform this surgery but owners should not be similarly squeamish; it is not possible to have meowing, squawling, warbling cats and a quiet neighbourhood too.

  5. A cat attracts disease-spreading fleas by the hundreds in summer. The insects burrow deep into the cat’s fur where they hide safely and feed and reproduce, using the cat’s blood. However, denuding the cat is an effective remedy in this battle to keep down the flea population. Therefore, the cat should be taken to the local pet shop frequently to have all of its fur shaved off. This will also eliminate the many furballs that no doubt litter the lawns and sidewalks around your home as the cat will no longer be taking in fur as it licks itself clean.

  6. A cat likes to warn off predators and other cats by spraying various bushes in its territory to let others know exactly what part of the world it is laying claim to. Male cats also spray house windows and doors to attract the attention of any female cats that may dwell within. These sprays are unsightly and odorifically offensive. Once again, the local vet can provide the answer to these problems through the wonders of medical science. Using ways similar to the processes employed for the de-scenting of skunks, the vet can make a few snips and rearrange some plumbing to make cat spraying a thing of the past.

  7. A persistent problem for home gardeners and others is their frequent discovery of cat feces buried shallowly though neatly in their various flower and vegetable beds. Unfortunately, a viable surgery has not yet been devised that will eliminate eliminations from the household cat, though procedures to this end are being worked on and show promise. In the meantime, when the cat is outside, it is advisable to outfit it in one of the many diapers for cats now on the market. One product in particular, The Dandy Dypurr: “It’s The Cat’s Ass!”, offers complete protection and has the added benefit of being scented.

  8. It is common knowledge that it is a cat’s amazing abilities to smell that guide many of its outdoor activities, from waging war on other small creatures to tearing open garbage bags left at curbsides to get at the chicken bones inside. These problems can be greatly reduced by the surgical removal of the cat’s ability to pick up scents.

  9. In a similar vein, a cat, let outside, will be less easily distracted by the stimuli around it, if it is unable to see and hear. These are often difficult choices to make, but removing these senses will contribute immeasurably to the peace urban dwellers require and deserve.

  10. While Feline Stoppers Inc. cannot guarantee that all these measures will completely control the wily cat, the chances of it continuing to be a nuisance when it is muted, sight-free, hearing-resistant, diapered, clawless, toothless, scentless and totally nude will be substantially reduced. And these measures offer the added benefit of making the cat a much more lovable and easily managed pet for its owner.

For more information and ideas, please write to The Perfect Cat c/o this newspaper.

Words To Die By

The nice, young priest walked up to the casket to console the widow. “I hope you don’t think I am being too forward,” Father Murphy said, “but I wonder if you would share with me your husband’s last words.”

“No trouble at all Father,” said the widow. “In fact, he did have some final words. He said, ‘Mary, put down that gun!'”