How To Control A Cat

By Jim Hagarty
2002

Let loose in urban societies, the lowly cat is a destructive force that needs to be contained. It sits on the hoods of nice cars, defiles flower beds and harasses small animals and birds. It fights with other cats at 4 a.m. and raises hairs on the heads of humans with its caterwauling when in heat.

But as with most problems, there are solutions to this one too. Here are some practical suggestions from Feline Stoppers Inc. on how to get the upper hand on this pesky little beast so that all you town and city folk out there can get back to enjoying your lives.

1. Encourage your community to pass bylaws forcing cat owners to buy licences for their animals and to keep them on leashes when they are outside. If leashes prove too unwieldy and too easily escapable, chains might be considered as an alternative. This will be a first step, albeit an important one, in the War Against Felineism.

2. The sharp claws of the cat are what cause so much damage to automobile paint jobs, wooden porches and fences and screen doors. Owners should have a qualified surgeon remove all the claws from both the front paws and back paws of the cat so that it can cause no such further harm to its environment.

3. A cat’s many razor-like teeth are another weapon it uses in its merciless campaign against the other small creatures in your neighbourhood. A veterinarian specializing in feline dentistry should be hired to remove all of the cat’s chompers, thereby eliminating this problem. The cat can be thenceforth fed soft food, completely eliminating its need for teeth.

4. It is a simple procedure for small-animal vets to severe the vocal cords of the cat, thus rendering it silent for the rest of its days. Some vets might refuse to perform this surgery but owners should not be similarly squeamish; it is not possible to have meowing, squawling, warbling cats and a quiet neighbourhood too.

5. A cat attracts disease-spreading fleas by the hundreds in summer. The insects burrow deep into the cat’s fur where they hide safely and feed and reproduce, using the cat’s blood. However, denuding the cat is an effective remedy in this battle to keep down the flea population. Therefore, the cat should be taken to the local pet shop frequently to have all of its fur shaved off. This will also eliminate the many furballs that no doubt litter the lawns and sidewalks around your home as the cat will no longer be taking in fur as it licks itself clean.

6. A cat likes to warn off predators and other cats by spraying various bushes in its territory to let others know exactly what part of the world it is laying claim to. Male cats also spray house windows and doors to attract the attention of any female cats that may dwell within. These sprays are unsightly and odorifically offensive. Once again, the local vet can provide the answer to these problems through the wonders of medical science. Using ways similar to the processes employed for the de-scenting of skunks, the vet can make a few snips and rearrange some plumbing to make cat spraying a thing of the past.

7. A persistent problem for home gardeners and others is their frequent discovery of cat feces buried shallowly though neatly in their various flower and vegetable beds. Unfortunately, a viable surgery has not yet been devised that will eliminate eliminations from the household cat, though procedures to this end are being worked on and show promise. In the meantime, when the cat is outside, it is advisable to outfit it in one of the many diapers for cats now on the market. One product in particular, The Dandy Dypurr: “It’s The Cat’s Ass!”, offers complete protection and has the added benefit of being scented.

8. It is common knowledge that it is a cat’s amazing abilities to smell that guide many of its outdoor activities, from waging war on other small creatures to tearing open garbage bags left at curbsides to get at the chicken bones inside. These problems can be greatly reduced by the surgical removal of the cat’s ability to pick up scents.

9. In a similar vein, a cat, let outside, will be less easily distracted by the stimuli around it, if it is unable to see and hear. These are often difficult choices to make, but removing these senses will contribute immeasurably to the peace urban dwellers require and deserve.

10. While Feline Stoppers Inc. cannot guarantee that all these measures will completely control the wily cat, the chances of it continuing to be a nuisance when it is muted, sight-free, hearing-resistant, diapered, clawless, toothless, scentless and totally nude will be substantially reduced. And these measures offer the added benefit of making the cat a much more lovable and easily managed pet for its owner.

For more information and ideas, please write to The Perfect Cat c/o this newspaper.