Last week, two guys in Toronto saw a TV program which dealt with the hallucinogenic effects of a toad’s body secretions and so, being men of good judgment engaged in an eternal search for the ultimate high, they went and got a toad and licked it. What they ended up with instead of the pleasant buzz they were seeking were convulsions, unconsciousness and a couple of hospital beds.
This situation is unfortunate but we in the media bear a lot more responsibility in this matter than might be suspected at first glance because generally, we have not paid enough attention to the problem of amphibian licking by humans. In fact, in our haste to address other health and social issues, we’ve woefully neglected this whole problem of animal-tasting. While many well-meaning concerned folks have been running around trying to get us all to stop wrapping our tongues around those parts of animals contained within their hides, no one has been effectively addressing the dangers involved in tasting the outsides of those same critters.
Here then, in question-and-answer form, is the most up-to-date information available on the problem.
Question: Is the skin of the toad’s cousin, the frog, poisonous as well?
Answer: No it isn’t. In fact, frog licking can be a lot of fun although it is not always that easy to keep them from hopping long enough to get your tongue on them. Also, before licking them, it’s advisable to wash the swamp goo off them, unless, of course, you prefer that taste.
Question: Is it okay to lick cows?
Answer: Yes it is. In fact, cows are a great choice for licking because with very little encouragement, they’ll gladly lick you back. One word of caution, however: lick a bull only if you’re completely out of things to lick as he may take offence to this.
Question: Are dogs lickable?
Answer: Yes and no. Most small dogs such as poodles can handle an occasional lick and will even administer a few of their own but some of the larger members of the species, such as doberman pinschers and American pit bull terriers seem more temperamental when it comes to being licked.
Question: What creatures should definitely not be licked?
Answer: Most snakes prefer to be left alone. And some wild animals such as wolverines and bobcats are best avoided. Beyond those, it is advisable to use your best common sense before choosing to lick another being.
Question: Is there anything morally offensive about the practice of licking lower life forms?
Answer: Definitely not. Though some segments of society might try to stigmatize critter-licking as an objectionable act, it should not be seen as such. Australians have been running around licking toads for quite some time and don’t seem much the worse for wear, although they know how to do it without getting sick so there’s the difference.
Let’s face it: Animals have been licking us up and down for centuries. It’s time they got a bit of their own back. Besides, what have we been missing all these years?
You don’t really think your cat licks you ’cause she likes you, do you?
The truth is, she does it for the buzz.
©1990 Jim Hagarty
