There is a place most of us have driven past from time to time and some of us have taken up residence there. It is a cute, tree-lined town where everything is seemingly in order but if you spend any time there at all, you will get a feeling that there is a disturbing rumbling underground, like the entire community was built on top of a simmering volcano. There are lots of smiles on the faces of the people there but they sometimes seem more painted on than real.
If you wonder whether or not you are heading to a life in Curmudgeonville, here are a few signposts that might tell you it is probably just over the next hill or two.
1. You start a lot of sentences, “When I was young …”.
2. Today’s music is crap. You know this even though you have never listened to today’s music.
3. Everything was so much better in the good old days.
4. You start a lot of sentences, “Young people today …”.
5. You worry about immigrants. You don’t know any immigrants, but they worry you. A lot.
6. Today’s TV shows are crap. You know this even though you never watch today’s TV shows. Ditto movies.
7. Nobody respects anybody anymore, especially their elders.
8. Teachers. (Fill in complaints here.)
9. Too much sex, sex, sex everywhere (except in your own bedroom.)
10. Human beings are toast and our planet is doomed.
11. You worry a lot about people swearing too much and ignoring God.
12. Too many people are living on free money, unlike you who works hard for every last red cent.
13. Cops, firefighters, postal workers (fill in complaints here).
14. Nobody knows their “place” anymore and we’d all be much happier if we did. Your place, for example, is a nice little house in the heart of Curmudgeonville, where there are double locks on all your doors, you pay $1.50 a year in taxes and riff raff are never seen or heard from.
15. Drugs. OMG. Drugs.
P.S. You don’t have to be old to live in Curmudgeonville.
P.P.S. I have hung around there a few times myself.
©2014 Jim Hagarty
