I got an email last night with the headline, Are You Dead or Alive? Because I was able to read it, I concluded I am alive, but the approach had me intrigued so I read the body of the message.
Apparently, a woman named Julie in Texas has contacted a courier company in California to tell them that a delivery destined to be delivered to me in Ontario, Canada, cannot be delivered because I died in a car accident. Julie is my next-of-kin, or something, and the delivery is now to go to her.
Consequently, the courier company, doing its due diligence, wanted to know if I am alive or dead. If I am alive, I am to write them immediately to tell them that and if they don’t hear from me in two days, they will assume that I am, in fact, dead.
In the event they don’t hear from me, I guess, Julie will be the lucky recipient of the prize that was to be mine. I do not intend to respond to the email but I am now worried that if the courier company does not hear from me, that can only mean I am actually dead. My problem now, is, if I do not reply, will I have a coroner knocking on my door tomorrow followed by a hearse?
This has me so upset, I almost wish I was dead. But, if only to piss off old Julie, I am tempted to declare my aliveness by responding to the email.
I wish the matter of life and death was simple like it used to be before email came along. Now, in the new scheme of things, it’s really hard to know if you are here today or gone tomorrow.
©2022 Jim Hagarty
