It’s time once again for the annual Hagarty News Awards, recognizing those humans and non-humans who have made for interesting headlines lately. The winners were chosen by an esteemed judge who edits a weekly newspaper in Stratford, Ontario, Canada, and immediately go into the running for the $100,000 first prize to be given out on June 31 in the new $400-million twin icepad, recreational, agricultural, swimming, archery, fencing, mountain climbing, scuba diving, lawn bowling, jousting, horseback riding and professional tiddly winks complex soon to be built in the city.
Here are the latest winners.
The Hagarty for the Person With the Most Nerve goes to the man in Anchorage, Alaska, who recently smashed his car into the side of the Motor Vehicle Division building that issues drivers’ licences. He then got out of his auto, walked into the building, smacked down $25 on the counter, renewed his licence, climbed back in his car and drove off.
For the Dumbest Person on the Planet, the Hagarty goes to the woman in Nashville who was having an affair and decided a good idea would be to have her boyfriend live in a closet of her home, where she and her husband still dwelled. The husband, however, disqualified himself for this award by discovering his wife’s secret lover when he heard the sneaky gal pal snoring his head off in the closet. The boyfriend placed a close second in the competition. The husband had been in the running for the prize as he lived for quite some time with his rival in the closet.
The award for the Only Sane People Left in the World goes to the 50 souls in Madison, Wisconsin – male and female – who donned matrimonial regalia recently and ran through town in the first Running of the Brides. Billing themselves as a “drinking group with a running problem”, these folks also hold other themed runs, one where they dress up as pirates and an annual run where everyone sports red dresses.
The Hagarty for Those With Not Enough To Do goes to the people in Shanghai, China who turn out in big numbers to watch the Pig Olympics. The perky porkers, trained from shortly after birth, run over hurdles, jump through hoops, dive, and swim in shows twice a day. Canadian pork producers looking for help with their litters would be well advised to advertise in the Shanghai Times.
The My Kind of Guys Awards go to a baggage handler in Sydney, Australia, who was caught on tape opening a suitcase, donning the head of a camel’s costume he found inside, and walking around the airport with it on, and to the Harvard University professor in Rockport, Mass., who has been accused of trying to steal a farmer’s horse manure.
The Hagarty for the Unluckiest Guy Around goes to the British motorist who was driving home from work near London with his car window wound down when a frozen sausage flew in and broke his nose.
The Cleanest Person Award goes to a woman named Fromal in Hampton, Virginia, who was trapped in her bathtub for five days, unable to lift herself out, raising the question of whether or not there was full Fromal nudity involved. When she was finally rescued, she didn’t ask for food but wanted a cigarette and a soda instead. Who wouldn’t? I ask for exactly that when the firefighters finally get me out of my tub. Unfortunately, this is the second time this has happened to her, begging the question of whether or not she just enjoys the attention. I know I do.
And the Hagarty Award for Heroics goes not to a human this time, but to the dog in Wales which, after seeing its mate fall over a cliff, ran until it found some humans and directed them to his buddy, which was rescued and not too badly hurt.
Personally, I hope the dog wins the hundred thousand. I will give him a bag of milkbones. He is darned smart, but I’m betting it will look to him like a hundred thousand in that bag.
©2005 Jim Hagarty
