Lifetime Sentences

By Jim Hagarty
2015

I love my town.

The matter was urgent and getting worse. And there before me, the golden arches and that little room inside that spells relief. I parked and bolted from my car. Ran like a wild man on a mission.

Emerging with a smile of gratitude and even joy (got Christmas music on the radio so the word joy just sprang to mind) I decided to reward myself and the restaurant by buying a burger and milk. I sat down and enjoyed my meal. Took my time. No need to rush, having already done that.

Finished, I walked out to the very crowded parking lot to see one car sitting there with the driver’s door open and no one inside. “What the …” was all I got out before I recognized the car with the door open and then I promptly and appropriately finished that sentence with the eff word followed by a question mark.

It had finally happened after all these years of carefully locking my doors. Someone had broken in in broad daylight. I approached the car carefully in case a terrorist group had dropped a grenade inside. Everything was just as I had left it when I hit the eject button including my wallet which was sitting on the passenger seat. I checked it right away. I think there was more cash in it than when I jumped out of the vehicle.

My imagination or my Christmas miracle?

Hard to say.

I always want to live in a town where no one can be bothered ransacking a man’s open-door car and stealing his wallet.

Or leaving a grenade on the seat.

By Jim Hagarty
1994

Those of you who have read this column with any sort of regularity will know that, from time to time, I go on a surly rant against modern-day assaults on the English language from people who follow word and phrase fads as energetically as they do other trends such as in clothing and home decor.

Thus we are blessed these days with the extravagant use of the word, “exactly.”

“You know,” says Clara to Roberta, “the people who make the laws in this country don’t seem to give a fig for us ordinary folk.” And you know how Roberta replies? Not with a, “You’ve got that right, Clara dear,” or an “I hear you, loud and clear,” or “That’s for sure,” or “I couldn’t agree with you more,” but with a nice, tidy, snappy, “Exactly!”

This, I can handle once in a conversation. In a long conversation, twice. But after almost every statement?

“Boy, it’s cold out here.”

“Exactly.”

“I sure get sick of shovelling out the driveway.”

“Exactly.”

“You know, Percy, you’re starting to drive me nuts.”

“Exactly.”

But, I see I can count on no help from the newspaper industry in my struggle to straighten out the speaking patterns of my fellow homo sapiens. This week, a Toronto Star editorial punctuated the end of a long tirade about something or other with one word: “Exactly.” And the editorial writer gave it a whole paragraph of its own.

Lazy writing?

Exactly.

Moving on to something equally galling, let’s take the word “vehicle.” As in, “I jumped in my vehicle and drove to the store for a frozen dinner.” Case closed.

Unless, of course, you’re an artist. Then, all of sudden, music, for you, is the ideal “vehicle” to express your inner angst. A sculptor finds the new art gallery in town will provide him with the perfect “vehicle” to deliver his vision to the world. Fly-swatter salesmen found the three-day trade show just wasn’t the right “vehicle” for their message of how important it is to murder flies.

But what, oh what do you do, if your job is selling vehicles?

“Frank found the recreational vehicle show was just the right vehicle to promote his vehicle.”

Nah!

And finally, who would have thought the word to describe low temperatures and a calm state of mind would make a reappearance 30 years after it sprang up as a remark indicating how all right something was?

“How do you like Herman’s new bathing suit?”

“Cool.”

“Sun’s staying up a lot later these days, eh?”

“Cool.”

“Darn cold out, isn’t it?”

“Cool.”

“Exactly.”

From the Internet:
(Sorry, I don’t know who wrote this list.)

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3. You ski uphill.
4. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
5. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
6. You lick your coffeepot clean.
7. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
9. You chew on other people’s fingernails.
10. Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
11. You can type 60 words per minute … with your feet.
12. You can jump-start your car without cables.
13. Cocaine is a downer.
14. You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
15. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
16. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
17. You buy “Half and Half” by the barrel.
18. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
19. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
20. You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
21. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
22. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
23. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
24. People get dizzy just watching you.
25. You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
    26.The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
26. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
27. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
28. Instant coffee takes too long.
29. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
30. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
31. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
32. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
33. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
34. You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
35. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
36. You short out motion detectors.
37. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
38. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
39. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
40. You don’t tan, you roast.
41. You can’t even remember your second cup.
42. You help your dog chase its tail.

By Jim Hagarty
2015

If we truly listen to others, we can often find out a lot about ourselves. I know this has been true for me.

For example, today, during a conversation with my neighbour, I learned from him that I am an asshole. I have always had my suspicions that I was one but then doubt would creep in and I would begin to think that I was maybe not an asshole. But my neighbour has not been the first person in my life to convey this information to me so I detect a theme and being an evidence-based thinker, I am very close to concluding that all these people issuing assessments of my character qualities or lack thereof, might actually have a point.

I don’t intend to change so that is further proof, I guess, of my assholedness. If I was not an asshole, I would work very hard to make sure I stayed that way.

My neighbour and I were discussing a fence that he erected this week to block a pathway that my family and I – and all the neighbours – have used to go to the store and coffee shop for the past 29 years. I could go along with the fence, perhaps, except it is not on his property. And it is not really just a fence, just a large piece of plywood with two layers of rocks on top.

To my recollection, all I said was, “So, are you proud of your new Wall of Doom, Dennis?” This brought about the asshole declaration, and I responded, “Thank you Dennis, I am glad we got that cleared up.” I may have also asked him if I could put him down on my resume as a character reference.

I don’t often wage face-to-face Wars of Words with people because I am not very good at them. I usually walk away with a whole list of things that occur to me later that I should have said. During this event, for probably the first time, I was a regular Don Rickles and I walked away with nothing left that I wish I would have said. Spoken like a true asshole, I suppose.

But on reflection, I actually do have one thing left to tell my neighbour. He has festooned his rented property with a hundred solar lights. I want to tell him that he can put up all the pretty lights he wants, but that if his neighbours hate him, he hasn’t got very much. His misery is oozing out over the neighbourhood like an oil spill.

How sad.

But on the bright side, at least he’s not an asshole.

Update: A few days after the erection of the Wall of Doom, the famous barrier disappeared. I had no idea why or who might have undertaken the removal. I even thought maybe my complaint to my neighbour had had the desired effect but a few months later, my son confessed that he was the one who cleared the pathway of the obstruction. I was glad it was gone but I hope I am not raising another you know what.

By Jim Hagarty
2014
Can anyone tell me the best before date on a bottle of Mennen Skin Bracer Original after-shave lotion? I have had this 110 millilitre plastic container for about 35 years and there is still one-third of the precious green liquid left. I am worried that some time in the next 10 years I will use it all up and I wonder if I will be able to get another bottle. I worry about stuff like this. Second question: Am I worrying too much?

By Jim Hagarty
1989

Dear Significant Others:

Just finished your latest letter and I must say it was a good read. It also sent me a strong message that it’s time I began dialoguing more with the two of you. After all, you are the caregivers who did such a bonus job of parenting over the years and now, surely, is the time for your payback. You deserve lots of congrats.

I’ve been pretty stressed out lately, what with my new position in bleacher management at the arena, and I realize that many members of my support groups, yourselves included, have probably been impacted negatively by that. But ever since this employment thing’s been happening, I’ve been trying to get a sense of my job and it has meant there’s been little chance for me to spend much quality time with you. In short, it’s been hard for me to commit.

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of my dilemma. Though I take home sufficient monies each week to fund my current lifestyle, I’m afraid I am in a bit of a no-win situation at work. A co-worker and I have agreed to disagree about where each of us fits in the organization and though we have held communication sessions regarding our differences, I still don’t have a feel for where the other party is coming from. The bottom line is, this conflict is impacting my wellness and I sometimes sense that I may be suffering from burnout. I just can’t seem to lighten up. It’s really bogus.

To sum up, I am currently reviewing my options, costing out employment alternatives, conducting a personal needs assessment and attempting to decide whether I can manage change in this area. I want to brief the two of you fully on possible worst-case scenarios and to finalize arrangements for some cost-effective interim funding for me. I hate to say it, but it appears as if I will need some dollars for some short-term bridge financing.

That is another reason I decided to touch base with you at this particular point in time. I thought perhaps if we networked we could brainstorm and come up with some opportunity options which might help me to access a win-win agreement between me and another employer. I could describe to you my current employment status – give you a verbal snapshot, if you will – and together we might achieve consensus on a new direction for me. Hopefully, after factoring in my goals along with my personal pluses and minuses, we can come up with a results-oriented plan of action. And then, of course, it will be up to me to go for it.

I’ll get back to you with a time frame for a possible encounter between us after I’ve finished prioritizing my current agenda. Until then, I’ll be busy with damage control at work and with developing a relationship with my latest love interest. Yesterday, we did lunch and caught a movie which, by the way, is a real must see. It was delightful. We are having a first-rate time of it, bowling, skating and doing other gender-neutral activities like that. I’ll give you the scoop on us the next time we do the getting together thing. Let’s do breakfast in the a.m. sometime. What say?

So, don’t worry, be happy. Have a good one.

And most of all,

Enjoy.

Later,
J.J.

NOTE: For those unfamiliar with yuppiespeak, here is a translation of the above letter.

Dear Folks: Expect to be fired. Need a loan. In love. Goodbye.

By Jim Hagarty
2012

When I was 16 I got a job on construction in the city of Kitchener, Ontario, helping put up a bridge for the soon-to-be-built Conestoga Expressway.

One day, shortly after I started, one of the carpenters asked me to bring him a board stretcher. Now in all my years of carpentry around the farm I grew up on, I’d never heard of a board stretcher and something told me there was no such thing. But what did I know? This guy was officially a carpenter, had a carpenter’s belt on and everything. So I asked him where it was. He said it was probably in the construction trailer and that I should go look there.

So I did.

While I was searching, increasingly frantic because I didn’t want to take too long, the superintendent on the job came out of his office in the trailer and asked me what I was looking for. I told him I needed the board stretcher.

“Hmmm,” he said, standing there in his white hard hat (as opposed to the rest of us in our yellow ones). “I don’t know where that has gotten to. I’ll help you look.”

And he did.

But alas, I had to report back to a laughing carpenter – and 20 other guffawing workers – that I couldn’t find it.

I never fell for any other tricks after that but other newbies were sent for the sky hook with similar results to mine. And I once worked in a factory where they sent new guys for a bucket of steam.

How cruel!