Month: January 2017

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.” The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?” “No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?” “I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine had snow on them.” (thebayfieldbunch.com)

By Jim Hagarty
2015

I have been looking for a new direction in life (and a source of more income) and I believe I have found it.

I think, in fact, that all my experiences have led me to this new adventure: I am going to hire myself out as a professional cuddler.

You are saying no such occupation exists but you are wrong. A new business begun last month in Montreal matches cuddly people such as me with those who need some cuddling and believe me, I am excited. Maybe a bit too excited but who wouldn’t be?

I haven’t grasped all the details yet but apparently cuddler and cuddlee get together and do whatever the cuddlee wants, short of actual sex. They can sit on the couch and hold hands, engage in hardy wraparound hugs and even crawl into bed and snuggle up.

Those who know me will agree this is a perfect fit for me. Hugging comes as naturally to me as wing flapping does to a bird. I will hug any creature, human or otherwise, who needs one or many. If I can get my arms around you, you pretty much don’t stand a chance.

Ask Andy, an incredibly large exotic goat on a rare breed farm in Scotland that my wife and I were touring. He was standing in his pen alone and there was a sign in front of his gate which read “petting area”. So, I opened the gate, went up to Andy and threw my arm around his extremely thick neck. He stood as tall as I do and somewhere there is a picture of this cross-species display of affection, me smiling broadly and Andy, with his horns that would make a normal man scream in terror, staring right into the camera but looking confused. I gave him one last squeeze and left the pen.

It was then I read the petting sign again and realized that I had missed the arrow which indicated that the petting area was at the top of the hill. Andy was nowhere near that area. But this is proof of my ability to calm the savage beast using nothing but my loving arms. (To be honest, I was in need of a cuddle myself for a brief time after that.)

I can’t get to Montreal very easily so I am going to start this service here. Give me a call and I’ll be right over. If you are lucky, I might even take a shower before I head out. Stand back and prepare to be snuggled like you’ve never been snuggled before.

If you think I am exaggerating my abilities to soothe, go ask Andy. I bet getting cuddled by me was one of his happiest ever moments.

And the best part for him was, it was free of charge.

But no more. I am monetizing my affection from now on. No more freebies from me. Hugs by Jim and More is going to cost you. The good news is, however, that if you get upset when I present you with my bill, I’ll just squeeze you till you forget all about it.

I like companies with a sense of humour.

Yesterday, I saw a small car in our town, all painted up brightly with logos and these words printed along the sides:

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Barkbusters!

We provide training for dogs of all sizes

It reminds of our dog groomer, whose business is called Mutts Cuts.

Saw this today on the Internet.

A Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did…
You deserved it.

Country singing superstar Toby Keith has quite a string of hit records to his name and he’s a heck of a songwriter but I have noticed his music sticks pretty close to only a few themes. Here are some of his best:

Beer For My Horses
I Love This Bar
Whiskey Girl
Get Drunk and Be Somebody
Every Time I Drink I Fall in Love
Rum is the Reason
Drunk Americans
Beers Ago
Clancy’s Tavern
Rockin’ the Beer Gut
In My Next Five Beers
Get My Drink On
Drinks After Work
I Like Girls That Drink Beer
Haven’t Had a Drink All Day
Cold Beer Country
Loaded
Chug-a-Lug
Margaritaville

By Jim Hagarty
2014

I have gotten myself into a bit of a financial pickle and I am not sure how I am going to get past it. Any suggestions would be helpful and if you would like to contribute to lessening the pressure on my finances, I would appreciate that as well.

Now comes the details as I am sure you want details before you commit yourself to any philanthropy directed my way.

This week I received a letter from retail giant Sears and it appears I have somehow been remiss in attending to my account. As a result of this inattention to my duties with regards to paying my bills with this company, I now owe it interest on arrears. That interest amounts to three cents. Now three cents might not seem that much to you but to my household, it may put us right on the precipice of ruin if I cannot raise the funds.

And, I have to admit, I cannot come up with the money. Not because I have no money though my purse does get lighter than a balloon now and then, but for this reason: Canada has done away with the penny. I would have gladly packed up three pennies and sent them off to Sears but I can’t come up with three cents. And I am too good a businessman to send them a nickel because then I would have to bill Sears for the two cents difference. They would be liable to send me a nickle in return to cover the two cents they would now owe me but the cycle would begin anew as I would then owe them three cents again.

Although I have handled money of varying amounts and in various forms – paycheques, mortgages, lines of credit, etc. – nothing has prepared me for the economic challenge represented by receiving a bill from a large company for three cents. For starters, Sears paid for a sheet of paper and an envelope and presumably, someone to put the paper in the envelope (or have a machine do it) and the 63 cent cost of a stamp to send this bill to me. I will have to spend that much to pay the bill.

In total then, Sears and I will have spent upwards of $1.50 to finalize this three cent transaction.

But, I am just a lowly serf who owes the overlords three cents. I should be grateful I am not being sued for the amount, I suppose. Maybe I will be yet. And with the return of debtors’ prisons in the U.S., how long can it before they show up in my country. Please visit me in jail and I would be grateful if you could smuggle in a chocolate bar. Thanks.

If I can find three people who are willing to pay me a penny for my thoughts, maybe I can avoid incarceration and bankruptcy.

As for Sears, the future might not be as bright, a lot of news stories say.

I wonder why.

Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.