We had a national election in Canada last month and I am very disappointed in the outcome. Once again, the only political party that makes any sense to me was shut out. I am highly suspicious that there has been a conspiracy in play to keep the Rhinoceros Party of Canada out of power. It is a crying shame and you will agree with me when I tell you more about this incredible movement.
Unlike the other parties, the Rhinoceros Party has a 1,000-year plan and I admire people who look ahead. And they have history on their side. They have been around since 1963.
Rhinoceronians have smart, sensible ideas. If elected, they will move Canada’s capital to Kapuskasing because it is the geographical centre point of the nation. They will privatize Canada’s armed forces and nationalize Tim Hortons. They lean Marxist-Lennonist in their approach (Groucho Marx and John Lennon).
Some members of the party favour the return of capital punishment with one leader saying, “If it was good enough for my grandfather, it’s good enough for me.”
One ambitious plan the party has had was to tow Antarctica to the Arctic Circle. This would give Canada a monopoly on cold and a big advantage if a Cold War ever breaks out again.
During an election campaign in 1984, the party planned to eliminate big businesses and allow only small businesses which employ less than one worker. Other smart ideas were to repeal the law of gravity, lower the boiling point of water, make Illiteracy the third official language of Canada and tear down the Rocky Mountains so Albertans could see the British Columbia sunsets.
They would also abolish the environment because it takes up too much space and is too hard to keep clean. And they would end crime by abolishing all laws.
Other neat ideas include making the Trans Canada Highway a one-way road. And if elected, they would count the Thousand Islands to see if the Americans have stolen any.
These are my people.
Some sunny day we will take over.
©2015 Jim Hagarty
Photo by Chris Hagarty