How to Write a Modern Contray Song

I have one simple goal these days. After 50 years of writing poetry and music, I am determined to compose a hit modern country song. It is going to happen.

But, I will admit, it is going to take some work. The best line I have so far is, “Effen yew don’t put down that fry in pan and kess mey full on ma leps rat now, darlin’, I am gonna dive head furst off our one-car garage roof onto our brown-red paving stones below and then yewl be sorry.”

I think it’s catchy but a friend (prone to jealous fits) says it’s a bit long-winded. Maybe.

So last week I sent away $39.95 for The Ultimate Guide to Writing A Hit Modern Country Music Song and it came in the mail today.

It has a picture of Willie Nelson on the front cover so I know I am on the right track. After all, Willie once wrote a song with the refrain, “I went to bed at two with a ten, and woke up at ten with a two.” He seriously did write and record it.

So, he is my hero (if he played hockey he’d wear a Detroit Red Wings jersey with Number 9 sewn on the back) and this book is going to put me over the top.

Like all good how-to instruction books, this one is divided into 12 easy steps. Here they are, summarized for brevity.

1. The word to describe this is not “cuhntree” but “contray” as in “contray mewsec.”

2. Assemble a band made up of the best contray mewsicians yew can find – fiddle players, steel guitar pickers, harmonica wizards, etc. – and immediately fire them all. Then go down to the Do or Die bar and hire the loudest heavy metal band in town. Make sure all their electric guitars are set to “maximum fuzz.”

3. Work transportation into every song. Transportation is a major theme of modern contray. Nobody ever walks. Start with a truck and work backwards to a car but only a classic car (’65 Mustang, etc.) and always remember: Yur truck choices are Chevy and Ford (and forget Ford) and don’t ever mention a furren vehicle like a Honda or Toyota. Mention trains, buses and planes eff yew want, but these are just for background. Make sure the word truck shows up somewhere in the first six words of yur song.

4. Drive yur truck down a dirt road. It is true that it is almost impossible to find any dirt roads these days what with them all being either paved or heavily gravelled, but do some research. There is bound to be one or two in yur area somewhere. Follow the Mennonite buggies.

5. Drankin. Very important. Mention beer and whiskey. Gin and rum if yur stuck. Tequila. Name drop too. Jack Daniels. Jose Cuervo. And remember: Yew are drankin’ to get ‘er offa yur mind, which yew will not be able to do.

6. Jukebox. (Don’t play Number 24. If somebody does, double up on No. 5 above.)

7. Purty girls. No women allowed in yur song. Just girls. Purty blonde ones. Whatever clothes they are wearing (the less, the better) need to be three sizes too small so they are tat, tat, tat. Halter tops, flip flops, cutoffs. Gorgeous in an evening gown. But meaner than a rattlesnake eff crossed (not by yew), especially by another girl.

8. Papa. Good ole’ dead Papa. Remember to wail long and hard about how yew wish yew could be one tenth the man that Papa was. He certainly was quite the guy, even when he was smackin’ yew with his belt, for yur own darned good.

9. Radio. Work the radio into every song. And the sounds coming out of that radio should not be from other contray mewsicians. Yew need to cement yur cool factor by name dropping some rock icons – Springsteen, Tom Petty, John Mellencamp. Stay away from furren bands with the possible exception of the Beatles and the Stones.

10. If yew do not use the word “crazy” in yur song at least once, then throw the song away. Same goes for the word “baby” except that word should be used multiple times. For good measure, rhyme crazy with baby whenever yew can.

11. Other important words: flag, guns, church, two tours of duty, ridin’ shotgun (as in the passenger seat in yur truck). But avoid the word prison at all costs and go easy on farmer, cowboy, etc. Horses only if absolutely needed. Referring to yur dog is better. No cats. Also, use the word party a lot. And keg. Sand. Beach. Sun. Sunglasses. Suntan. Oh, and the moon. Contray songwriters these days are keen astronomers at heart. And, of course, Mama. Lots and lots of Mama. And eff yur girl is not yur purty baby, then she should be yur purty mama.

12. As a last resort, urge yur girl to shake her moneymaker for yew. Don’t worry eff yew do not know what a moneymaker actually is or how it makes money. Just be assured that yew don’t have one. Eff yew did, yewd be probably out using it to make money instead of writing a damn contray song.

©2015 Jim Hagarty