God didn’t do too bad a job of creating the universe, given that He had no assistance and even had to work all weekend.
Except for the odd foul up like poison ivy and mosquitoes which He probably came up with when He was overtired, He didn’t do that badly, especially considering this was His first attempt.
But at the risk of sounding smarter that the Creator, I have to take exception with the rather shabby way He designed the lowly cat. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and give God less than a passing grade for His work on this particular animal. My theory is, the cat was His first attempt to create a dog but if that was the case, He should have never let it get past quality control.
For starters, what on earth – or wherever – was God thinking when He gave the cat such a mean disposition? He was getting along fine, fabricating sunshine and raindrops, snowflakes and honey but when did it occur to him this entire affair would be a lot better off with a few million creatures running around that like to kill half the other creatures they meet and maim the rest?
And if He felt the need for a being with this sort of temperament, would it follow that something like this should just naturally be outfitted with sharp teeth and claws? Wouldn’t it have made a bit more sense to put claws on all those fluffy little rabbits who would have used them for peaceful purposes only like cutting up their lettuce?
No, I have to say, if I’d been there and could have done anything about it, I’d have drawn the line at the cat and hustled it straight back to the drawing board. Off with the claws and the chainsaw teeth and on with a few more bunny-like attributes.
And I think I would have suggested that the revised version of the cat come complete with a brain this time so that it could figure out a few things for itself. Like how to get situated on the same side of a door as its owner. (A typical cat thought: “Oh, look, there’s the old guy coming up the steps carrying groceries. Think I’ll go out and see him when that door opens. Oh, look. There he is in the house, now. Maybe I’ll go in there and see him as soon as this door opens. Oh, my, is that him back out by the car? I believe I’ll go out there …” This can go on all day.)
Yes, a brain would have helped, as would have a couple of other minor adjustments.
For example, was it a truly sensible move to make the cat hypersensitive about cleanliness while at the same time, rendering it allergic to water? If I was making something that took a fit if one little smidgen of grime happened to find its way onto its paw, I would have also instilled in it a love for the very substance that could best get rid of that smudge: water.
If birds and dogs and pigs all like it, could it not be good enough for the cat?
What possessed the Creator to give the cat its tongue as its only means of satisfying its urge to shine like a brass lamp, a tongue that can gather up fur into a slimy ball which will end up on the back of the loveseat seven times out of 10 and on the carpet under the kitchen table the other three?
But as a creator, if all these things hadn’t been enough to discourage me from releasing the cat into the universal mix, I would surely have stopped after creating another pesky critter and made a decision.
“Okay, what’s it gonna be? Cat or flea? Flea or cat?”
Even for God, could two wrongs possibly make a right?
Of course, the biggest design flaw with the cat came when God made it cute. Otherwise, it would still be in the jungle where He surely must have intended it to stay.
©1992 Jim Hagarty
