By Jim Hagarty
2017
I have stood on the banks of Loch Ness. On a trip to Scotland, I walked around the famous lake, peering out over the still waters, and looking for a monster to raise its wobbly head. It never showed, so after an hour or so, I gave up and came home to Canada.
What a wimp I was. I should have known it would take more than an hour to find it. I should have tried harder, I now know.
But I do not have the courage and determination of Steve Feltham, a man who gave up his girlfriend, his job, and even his house, to find the prehistoric creature that glides beneath the surface of the pond. Steve believed he could solve the mystery of the famed sea creature and has spent 24 years trying to do just that.
Alas (ever notice most stories like this have at least one “alas” in them?), Steve and I had exactly the same amount of luck in finding “Nessie”. The difference is, I spent one hour, while he spent 210,240 hours.
The good news is, however, that at least Steve has come up with a theory and it’s a good one. He suspects that the leftover dinosaur that Nessie is thought to be is merely a Wels catfish. Steve spent nearly a quarter century camping by the banks of Scotland’s River Ness and now believes the dark waters are home to a Wels catfish, a type of fish known to grow up to 13 feet long.
“I have to be honest. I just don’t think that Nessie is a prehistoric monster. What a lot of people have reported seeing would fit in with the description of the catfish with its long curved back,” Steve told a reporter.
It is expected that Steve’s well-researched conclusions will not stop the thousands of tourists that visit the site every year, with the belief that there is indeed a monster lurking in the dark watered lake. He certainly isn’t the first to attempt tracking down the monstrous creature. There have been countless attempts since the first written record that relates to the Irish monk St. Columba, who, after being banished to Scotland for some infraction in his home country, is believed, in 565, to have banished a gigantic “water beast” to the depths of the River Ness after it killed one of his men and attacked another.
In the past 20 years, there have been various scientific searches of the lake using sonar beams and satellite tracking and no trace of Nessie has been found. A famous photo of the monster has even been revealed to have been faked.
But if you were Steve Feltham, what would you be expected to say after wasting 24 years of your life? You would say you don’t regret even a minute of it, of course you would. I would too.
“The monster mystery will last forever and will continue to attract people here, monster or not. I certainly don’t regret the last 24 years.”
Good for Steve. Who needs a girlfriend, a job and a house, anyway?
A psychiatric evaluation, maybe, but the other stuff?
No biggie.
P.S. I live about a half-hour’s drive in Canada from a little settlement called St. Columban, a bit of a coincidence, I would say. Maybe the Universe was calling out to me after all and I missed the mission it was trying to give me. Maybe it’s time I picked up where Steve left off. Stay tuned.
