By Jim Hagarty
1987
Everybody’s demanding his or her rights these days and I think this is a good thing.
I was considering demanding a few myself but I realized one day I’ve already got pretty well all the rights I can handle and a few I can’t. Besides, most of the people who are out there campaigning for a fairer shake have a big headstart on me. And if they get all the rights they want, I’ll probably lose half of mine.
But somewhere out there in the crowded field of placard-waving malcontents, there surely has to be a little patch of ground available for yet one more marcher. Because there is one cause I’d like to take up. (Actually, there are two causes but society’s shameful discrimination against left-handed people, of which I am one, has already been well publicized by others, though the injustices continue. How’d you like to called a southpaw all your life?)
My gripe is this. Why are bachelors treated so badly in this married persons’ world?
Even the very words used to identify us betray just how much society favours married people. We are called unmarried, unattached, unwed and single, all terms denoting some sort of lack. (Any word beginning with the prefix “un” usually refers to something not so good as in undesirable, unintelligent, unpleasant. Unattached conjures up an image of us being not joined at the joints.) And why are we called single? Married men aren’t called unsingle.
Unflattering stereotypes perpetuated by today’s TV shows portray bachelors as either sex-crazed, demented and dangerous, or awkward, nerdy and hapless. Not since the days of Ben Cartwright and his three noble sons on Bonanza have bachelors been shown to have the least bit of character. Who are our role models today? Hillbilly brothers Larry, Darrell and his other brother Darrell along with dopey handyman George Utley on The Bob Newhart Show. And nutsy detective David Addison on Moonlighting. Married men, on the other hand, are handsome, educated, witty and sensitive. Check out Dr. Cliff Huxtible on The Bill Cosby Show and Steven Keaton on Family Ties.
Married people have most of the children in this world. Single people have very few. Bachelors have none. Parents, then, raise their kids to think all adults should be married like themselves, thus perpetuating the bias against bachelors.
Society believes there’s something wrong with people who are not married by a certain age. This is why their married friends and relatives continuously plot to get them married. Hence the blind date which they themselves never have to go on and never would twice if they ever did once.
Bachelors never get to own station wagons.
Married people get the best tables in restaurants. Bachelors get shuffled off to sit in a corner under the air conditioner or by the washroom doors. On airplanes, bachelors are seated beside either a teenage boy and girl who just discovered the joys of kissing in public or a pots and pans salesman from Toledo who says “Yuhnowatamean?” a lot.
Groceries in supermarkets are usually packaged for married families. Thus, the best prices are on the largest quantities. But a large box of Kleeno laundry detergent can last a bachelor longer than he’ll need his clothes. (Except his best suit, that is.)
Single people pay more income tax than married people. And more insurance.
A bachelor can never be broke – “What have you got to spend your money on?” – or tired – “You’re tired? How’d you like to change kids’ diapers 10 times a day?” – or busy – “You? Busy? Doing what?”
Bachelor apartments have no bedrooms. Why?
Bachelors die six years younger than married men. This is unfair and should be changed.
There are very few bachelors in Canadian politics. Those who make it up the ladder usually hit every rung with their head on the way down. Ask Richard Hatfield. He was toppled by, you guessed it, a married man.
To you, these may sound like idle and empty grievances. And maybe they are. But a lot of equal rights campaigns have been whipped up out of a lot less.
All I want is a station wagon, an apartment with a bedroom, a small box of Kleeno and some tax deductions.
Is that too much too ask?
(Problem solved. Now married with children. Still no station wagon.)
