By Jim Hagarty
1992
As a homeowner in the midst of perpetual renovations, I tend, at times, to be preoccupied.
That’s why I almost fall over from fright every time teenagers yell at me when they pass me in a car as I’m ambling down the sidewalk. And for some reason, it happens to me a lot, especially on weekend nights. It seems to be some sort of right of passage of teens these days. Hang out of car windows and scream at befuddled homeowners and you earn a badge, or something.
As I walk along, to and from the coffee shop, I calculate in my mind.
“Now, I’ll need 50 boards, no, wait a minute, 60 boards, so I have a few left over and two screwnails per board both top and bottom, no, make that three, so that’s six nails times 60, which is 360, but I better get 400 so I’ll …”
“GET A LIFE !!!” yells a kid at me as he hangs half out the back window of a speeding car jammed with young people as it flies down the road past me.
I’m never prepared for the shock of that yell and I shudder every time.
Sometimes the call of the yelling joyriders is clear and distinct.
“PARTEEEEEEEEE!!!” is a favourite.
But much of the time, the scream just comes out as, well, a scream.
“Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!” they yell. Or, “Heyyyyyyyyyyy!!!”
Sometimes, more than one kid hangs out of the car windows and they yell in unison. Sometimes an “Aaaaaaaaaaah” and a “Heyyyyyyyyyyy” together. It sounds somewhat jungle-like. Sort of a “Heyyyyvvaaaaaah!!!”
But however it’s done, I almost swallow my tongue every time they do it to me. Because as often as it’s happened to me, it always comes a big surprise. And because I’m never ready for it, I’m also never ready with a snappy answer to yell back. And that is the most frustrating part of all. If I could just once get them back.
Friday night, I was out on the sidewalk again, thinking about my house renovations.
“Before the ceiling goes up, I’ll have to move the transformer for the doorbell over to the cupboard where the electrical boxes are and run new wire from the switch outside the front door …”
“Yowwwwwwwwww!!!” yelled another wild pack of teens as they speeded up behind me in their car and as usual, I almost fainted.
As they careened on down the highway away from me, I again regretted not getting out an answer. Just once, I thought, I want to get them. Just once. A few seconds later, I came to a stoplight and as I stood waiting for the don’t walk signal to change, a car came screeching around the corner. In it was the usual mob.
“Hey yoooooooooooo!!!” yelled the driver.
But this time, I wasn’t preoccupied. Or befuddled.
At last.
“SHAAAAADDDDDAAAAAPPPPP!!!” I yelled back.
Ah, what a feeling.
Free at last.
Of course, it wasn’t quite as thrilling as hanging out the window of a speeding car.
But it’ll do.
