By Jim Hagarty
1995
When I bought my television 10 years ago, I went all out and got one of those super-duper models that had a built-in “converter” which could receive 52 channels. I think, at the time, the local cable company was broadcasting 18 or 19 channels so it looked pretty good that this magnificent box in the corner with just slightly fewer dials and buttons than your average space shuttle would be a long time going out of date.
How was I to know that in January 1995 all of my 52 channels would be used up and there’d be three or four more that this marvel of modern technology wouldn’t be able to receive? Today’s cheapest TVs are made to accept as many as 181 channels and even they might become obsolete if the 500-channel future unfolds as we’re told it will.
So, I have 52 channels to surf through with my remote control now and still there’s hardly ever anything on. At least now it’s hardly ever on a lot more channels. And at 52, I feel cheated because I can’t receive the three or four more channels I’m entitled to.
Not to sound like Ben Franklin or Abe Lincoln, but I remember a time not so long ago growing up on our farm when you could count on two black-and-white channels – 10 and 13 – and on bright nights, you might catch the CKNX Barn Dance on Channel 8. But even with that pitiful selection of channels that quit broadcasting before 1 a.m., I was able to catch the Leafs and Canadiens battle it out on Saturday night hockey broadcasts, see The Beatles knock them out on The Ed Sullivan Show and Hoss and Little Joe argue it out on Bonanza on Sunday nights. I saw Kennedy get shot, Armstrong step on the moon and Canadian Prime Minister John Diefenbaker fall from his throne and didn’t know I was being deprived.
So now, the 500-channel universe awaits and some technonuts who are in the know, are suggesting that someday soon, people will be able to send out their own broadcasts from their basement rec rooms. In effect, there’ll be millions of channels and every individual who wants one, will be able to have his or her own. I await with great anticipation the Jim Channel on which I’ll broadcast Easy Home Renovation Tips with Jim, during which I demonstrate the wonders of loosening oil and home acetylene torch kits followed by Treating Skin Burns with Jim. On Today’s Chef with Jim, I’ll feature the beauty of tuna fish sandwiches – For Two or Twenty – followed by Treating Ptomaine Poisoning with Jim. And if I forget to shut off the camera at night you might be able to tune in my all-night show, Sound A Sleep with Jim.
Of course, the downside of this new world may be the possibility that I’ll have to zip by the shows you’re broadcasting on my way to the news. I may be forced to catch a glimpse of Fred’s Fish with Fred, How To Make Your Bathtowels Fluffier with Wilma or Our Trip to Nevada with Herbie and Marsha.
And to those who will wonder where the good old days ever went, relax. They’ll be on channel 1864, right between the all-night Ben Franklin Channel and 24-hour-a-day Abe Lincoln Channel.
(Update 2018: The above prediction came to pass but we do not all have our own TV channels. Instead, we broadcast our own shows on the Internet.)
