You might think otherwise, but I really don’t like mocking other people. I don’t mind laughing at myself, however, which is why a lot of my stories are based around my little experiences in life.
However, dumb criminals. I will always gladly laugh at them, even though I feel a wee bit of compassion for them too. They were trying so hard to do something they thought would advance their lot in life and then it all went so wrong.
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Take the 23-year-old man in Ossining, New York, for example, who was caught by police trying to break into a mini-mart. The unfortunate young man took off on foot with two cops in hot pursuit. Both police officers fell and their prey took refuge on the grounds of a large building. That building was the Sing Sing Maximum Security prison, where he was promptly nabbed by a guard.
Meawhile, a Scottish shoplifter was picked up after stealing a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to find the romantic thief, however. He left his name and phone number with a clerk after he asked her out on a date. No word on how the date went.
For a trio of drug thieves, it was their lucky day. They broke into a home in Silver Springs, Florida, and discovered three jars of cocaine. They took it home and snorted the contents. That’s when they discovered that the jars were in fact urns, and that they were snorting the “cremains” of the victim’s husband and two dogs. Fortunately, all three men loved dogs.
As two men waited in line at the coffee shop to pay their bill, a third cut in front of them. He threw a drink at the clerk, and demanded all the money from the till. Temporarily surprised, the men quickly recovered and handcuffed the crook. Apparently, in his rush, the criminal didn’t notice they were police officers – in full uniform. First place he went after serving his sentence was his eye doctor.
Recently, a woman in Fresno, California, was stopped at a DUI checkpoint for being soused. Ever helpful, she offered up this info: “My husband’s right (in the car) behind me, and he’s even drunker than I am.” It’s uplifting when people support local law enforcement efforts.
When an attempted robbery at a big box store went awry, the would-be thief fled across the street and jumped a fence … right into a nudist resort and spa. As one of the only folks wearing clothing, the culprit was easily spotted by police.
And as weird as these examples of dumb criminals might be, the high (or low) point in stupid lawbreaking still has to belong to the guy who showed up at the courthouse in a stolen car for his trial on charges of stealing cars.
Maybe even better. I really like this guy. A man robbed a bank and on his way out, he noticed the bank was having a draw for some prize. So he whipped out his business card and dropped it in the big jar.
Carry on evildoers!
©2019 Jim Hagarty
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