By Jim Hagarty
I am following the U.S. presidential election with great interest but the experience has left me with a deep feeling of sadness for the American voter.
Essential, the Republic is a two-party state, newcomers not welcome. That is such a shame as choice is the essence of a great democracy.
In Canada, we have five parties regularly represented in the federal parliament although our presidents (prime ministers) have always only come from the two main groups, as in the U.S.
Nevertheless, we have real choice. Nevertheless it hurts me to know that one of the best parties contesting our elections will probably never get to run the country.
I speak, of course, of the Rhinoceros Party, a party so ahead of its time that its messages are like a series of dog whistles that only the truly advanced human mind can hear and accept.
Fortunately, I have such a mind.
In our national election last year, I voted for the Rhinoceros party, and am proud of my choice. Let me tell you why.
First off, unlike the other parties, they have a 1,000-year plan and I admire people who look ahead. And they have history on their side. They have been around since 1963 when John F. Kennedy was still president. In fact, they have been around almost 30 years longer than former prime minister Stephen Harper’s so-called Conservatives.
Rhinoceronians have smart, sensible ideas. If elected, they will move Canada’s capital from Ottawa to Kapuskasing, Ontario, because it is the geographical centre point of the nation.
They will privatize Canada’s armed forces and nationalize coffee restaurant chain Tim Hortons.
They lean Marxist-Lennonist in their approach (Groucho Marx and John Lennon).
Some members of the party favour the return of capital punishment with one leader saying, “If it was good enough for my grandfather, it’s good enough for me.”
One ambitious plan the party has had was to tow Antarctica to the Arctic Circle. This would give Canada a monopoly on cold and a big advantage if a Cold War ever breaks out again.
During an election campaign in 1984, the party planned to eliminate big businesses and allow only small businesses which employ less than one worker.
Other smart ideas were to repeal the law of gravity, lower the boiling point of water, make Illiteracy the third official language of Canada and tear down the Rocky Mountains so Albertans could see the B.C. sunsets.
They would also abolish the environment because it takes up too much space and is too hard to keep clean.
And they would end crime by abolishing all laws.
Other neat ideas include making the cross-country Trans Canada Highway a one-way road.
And if elected, they would count the Thousand Islands in Ontario to see if the Americans have stolen any.
These are my people.
