By Jim Hagarty
1991
If I was a thief, and if I don’t soon win the lottery I might have to become one, I would have my eye on any number of things to steal out there in Perth County.
I’ve seen a red Corvette convertible I wouldn’t mind making off with in the middle of the night, a big Winnebago motorhome that would look just great with my smiling face behind the steering wheel and a motorboat that I’m sure was built with me in mind.
Being a music lover, I’d steal a nice, expensive Martin acoustic guitar if I went out for a night of thieving or an audio-visual centre complete with CD player, a VCR and the best speakers money could buy. I might steal somebody’s record collection.
There are homes in the county that are furnished with beautiful antiques from basement to attic and if I was in the habit of taking what isn’t mine, I’d have a few of those around my place. I might even make off with a prized painting or two or a brass door knocker or a set of wicker porch furniture.
I can even see the value in digging up a couple of lush trees from someone’s front yard to plant in my yard. I might take a plush leather jacket, or a pair of cowboy boots. Or even a flashy new bicycle.
But I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t steal.
I wouldn’t steal a portable toilet.
Call me a snob, but my heart has never been set on having anyone else’s Johnny-on-the-spot. You could line up 50 of the best ones made on your front lawn and I wouldn’t take one of them. If I could make a killing selling modern two-holers on the black market, I wouldn’t thank you for the opportunity.
But we’re all different, I realize now.
Because I read in the paper on Tuesday about the theft of a $700 portable toilet from a construction site near Russeldale. The thieves will have a hard time hiding their booty because I expect, by now, that police dogs have picked up their scent and are hot on the trail.
But the question remains. Why would anyone steal a toilet?
I can think of only three possible answers.
Perhaps they have already stolen everything else and are getting down on their list of desirable items for theft.
Maybe Perth County is running out of things to steal.
Or – and this theory is the most complicated – perhaps they needed a portable toilet.
Now, I realize that historically, people have stolen when they were in need – food when they were starving, money when they were destitute, etc. But if the thieves in question needed a toilet that badly, couldn’t they have found some way out of their dilemma that would have saved them from having to turn to crime? Couldn’t they have stolen off behind a tree, for example? Or into a corn field?
My prediction is, if this toilet theft leads to a rash of such thefts a toilet paper stealing spree can’t be far behind. Follow the paper trail and it will lead you right to the pooper scoopers and the smelly spoils of their crappy crime.
