By Jim Hagarty
2015
The world appears as though it is one world, but it isn’t one at all. There are many, many worlds in this big world and if we’re lucky, we might just figure out which one we belong in.
I needed new headphones after sitting on the ones I loved so much and breaking them, so I wandered into a leftover store, often called a surplus store. There on a wire rack, hung sets of headphones not even in packaging. They looked good, if simple, and were black. No name on them. They cost $1.99.
Six decades on the planet should give you the ability to recognize crap when you see it so I moved on. To this store and that store. Finally, a store dedicated to electronics. They had lots of headphones too, so I gave them a look. Nice pair of Sonys that wrap around the neck for $30. And there was a set of Bose headphones in a glass cabinet with a pricetag of $349. I think they come with their own butler and a free live concert in your living room by a famous band of your choosing, leftover Beatles extra. I kept looking and finally, there they were. Gleaming from another case like a golden chalice on a cathedral altar. The highest auditory achievement of the Universe since the invention of the ear drum. A pair of Zennheiser headphones selling for a mere $399.
So, this is how you sort yourself out. Do you belong in the $1.99 world or the $399 one? And if you are a $1.99er, can you even imagine the life of a person with $399 to spend on a pair of headphones?
I went back to the leftover store and walked snootily past the $1.99 rack to another shelf with other headphones (in packages) that ranged in price from $4.99 to $9.99. I plunked down $4.99 and brought my new good-looking stereophonic hardware home.
I am officially announcing tonight that these are the worst headphones in this – and any other – world. Trying to listen to sound with these things on is like pressing your ear against a water glass held against your apartment wall to hear what the neighbours are fighting about, except the water glass sound would be better. I know what the neighbours are fighting about anyway. The husband spent the rent money on the Zennheisers. Shoulda joined me in the leftover store. Our own little world.
