Down With February

By Jim Hagarty
1992

Don’t look now, but you may just be suffering from the February blahs.

This would explain why the dog runs behind the furnace and stays there when he hears you coming home from work and why your spouse asked you at supper last night if you know anything about separation agreements.

The remedies for this annual condition are many and varied but of course, nothing works so well in getting rid of the February blahs as getting rid of February. This will happen tomorrow at midnight so try to hang on until then, fellow sufferers.

Many people, of course, never get the mid-winter blahs. These are the ones with the perfect attitudes to life, the ones who are always thinking only of others, the ones who see the good in everything. You know – the saints. The first step in getting rid of the blahs is to stay away from the people who never get them. Also, stay away from the people who do get them. What I’m trying to say is, you’re going to have to work this out on your own.

But, the first step in getting rid of the blahs is recognizing that you do, in fact, have them. It isn’t easy, sometimes. But here are several ways of knowing if February has had you by the throat for the past 28 days and has been choking the happiness out of you.

If you answer “yes” to three or more of the following 10 statements, you have been Februaried. Apply remedial measures immediately.

1. Every time I see a politician’s worried face on TV, I want to start crying.
   Yes. No.

2. I don’t bother looking up from my magazine when The Making of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition comes on the TV.
   Yes. No.

3. I buy some clothes hangers at the department store and I don’t even bother complaining about the tax to the cashier.
   Yes. No.

4. I don’t bother with a second piece of lemon meringue pie because it would mean I’d have to get off my chair and go all they way over there to get it.
   Yes. No.

5. Fellow workers ask me on Monday morning what I did on the weekend and I can’t even remember.
   Yes. No.

6. I watch awards programs on TV and find the acceptance speeches interesting.
   Yes. No.

7. Someone yells, “Look, Sinead O’Connor’s growing hair” and I don’t even bother glancing over at the TV to see what she looks like.
   Yes. No.

8. I can’t wait for the sun to go down so I can go to bed.
   Yes. No.

9. I read articles on life in Russia and find myself secretly thinking how great it would be to live there.
   Yes. No.

10. Someone says, “It’ll be another month before Ice Cream King opens again” and I burst into tears.
    Yes. No.

Scoring: If you marked “yes” less than three times – redeem this form for a shiny new halo; between three and seven – stay away from me; more than seven – you’ll get used to the hospital food after awhile.