By Jim Hagarty
1988
As I predicted would happen, the social scientists of this world are running out of things to study.
You know they’re getting close to the bottom of the research pile when they turn their attention to the bully, a creature that’s been around making people miserable since long before Davey got fed up and beaned Goliath on the forehead with a stone. But, there it is – a study saying most childhood bullies lead unhappy lives as adults too. Worse yet, they reproduce and populate the planet with even more bullies.
Personally, I’d hate to have been the researcher who went into the office one fine, sunny morning to be told by his boss that his assignment for the next month would be to a study on bullies. That’s really pulling the short straw as far as I’m concerned. I’d rather live for a year with a family of gorillas in Africa than hike around interviewing bullies. Imagine making your living going up to them and asking, “Pardon me, can you tell me why you’re such a jerk?” Or living with them in their lair for a month to observe their moods.
I suppose this world will be a better place when we get all this bully stuff down on paper and have a look at it. I just think researchers could have saved themselves a lot of time and, money if they’d only called me up before they got started. I’ve been studying bullies all my life, sometimes from over my shoulder as I was running away from them and at other times, head on as I was running after them.
I could have offered the study these 10 useful tips:
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If a bully wants your baloney sandwich during recess, give it to him. You can get more baloney easier than you can more teeth.
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Never say derogatory things about a bully’s mother. His sister is also a poor choice for insults.
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Never make a best friend out of a bully. When he temporarily runs out of people, dogs, cats and frogs to bother, he’ll eventually start on you.
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Small bullies are more dangerous than big bullies. They can generally run faster and can crawl into the same small places you can. Big bullies can usually get by with just a lot of huffing and puffing and rarely, if ever, do they feel the need to actually blow your house down. But if they do take a notion, I would advise brick as a suitable siding.
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Lend only to bullies the money you are sure you never want to see again.
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Never pay attention to a bully. It has the same effect as watering a weed.
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Do not, under any circumstances, agree to let a bully show you what he learned in karate class last week. Memorize the following statement: “What are you worried about? I won’t hurt you. Honest.” When you hear these words, leave the scene immediately. Better a live chicken than a dead duck.
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Bullies start out as baseball card extortionists and become tailgaters in their teenage years. Kicking sand in skinny guys’ faces is a skill developed much later.
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Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and both sexes. Don’t mistake the bully for the guy with tattoos on his forearms and his hair in a pony tail. He might be nicer than you. Probably is. Real bullies rarely look like bullies. Sometimes they wear expensive clothes and smile a lot. Bulliness is a state of mind, not an appearance. It has nothing to do with motorcycles.
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Bullies want love. They need love. We are all bullies.
