Author: Jim Hagarty

By Jim Hagarty
2012
My wallet went missing for three days. Distress befell me. Today, I went to a kitchen cupboard and took out the basket that holds my pills. There, amidst the bottles, was the wallet. This raises a disturbing question in two different ways, both having to do with my memory. One: Why would I put my wallet in the pill bottle basket and think that was the correct place to put it? Two: I take these pills daily so apparently I have not taken my pills in three days or I would have found my wallet before this. Oh man, this is not good. I am hopeful that the light is not beginning to burn out at the top of the stairs as I don’t know where to buy a replacement bulb.

By Jim Hagarty
2002

Let loose in urban societies, the lowly cat is a destructive force that needs to be contained. It sits on the hoods of nice cars, defiles flower beds and harasses small animals and birds. It fights with other cats at 4 a.m. and raises hairs on the heads of humans with its caterwauling when in heat.

But as with most problems, there are solutions to this one too. Here are some practical suggestions from Feline Stoppers Inc. on how to get the upper hand on this pesky little beast so that all you town and city folk out there can get back to enjoying your lives.

1. Encourage your community to pass bylaws forcing cat owners to buy licences for their animals and to keep them on leashes when they are outside. If leashes prove too unwieldy and too easily escapable, chains might be considered as an alternative. This will be a first step, albeit an important one, in the War Against Felineism.

2. The sharp claws of the cat are what cause so much damage to automobile paint jobs, wooden porches and fences and screen doors. Owners should have a qualified surgeon remove all the claws from both the front paws and back paws of the cat so that it can cause no such further harm to its environment.

3. A cat’s many razor-like teeth are another weapon it uses in its merciless campaign against the other small creatures in your neighbourhood. A veterinarian specializing in feline dentistry should be hired to remove all of the cat’s chompers, thereby eliminating this problem. The cat can be thenceforth fed soft food, completely eliminating its need for teeth.

4. It is a simple procedure for small-animal vets to severe the vocal cords of the cat, thus rendering it silent for the rest of its days. Some vets might refuse to perform this surgery but owners should not be similarly squeamish; it is not possible to have meowing, squawling, warbling cats and a quiet neighbourhood too.

5. A cat attracts disease-spreading fleas by the hundreds in summer. The insects burrow deep into the cat’s fur where they hide safely and feed and reproduce, using the cat’s blood. However, denuding the cat is an effective remedy in this battle to keep down the flea population. Therefore, the cat should be taken to the local pet shop frequently to have all of its fur shaved off. This will also eliminate the many furballs that no doubt litter the lawns and sidewalks around your home as the cat will no longer be taking in fur as it licks itself clean.

6. A cat likes to warn off predators and other cats by spraying various bushes in its territory to let others know exactly what part of the world it is laying claim to. Male cats also spray house windows and doors to attract the attention of any female cats that may dwell within. These sprays are unsightly and odorifically offensive. Once again, the local vet can provide the answer to these problems through the wonders of medical science. Using ways similar to the processes employed for the de-scenting of skunks, the vet can make a few snips and rearrange some plumbing to make cat spraying a thing of the past.

7. A persistent problem for home gardeners and others is their frequent discovery of cat feces buried shallowly though neatly in their various flower and vegetable beds. Unfortunately, a viable surgery has not yet been devised that will eliminate eliminations from the household cat, though procedures to this end are being worked on and show promise. In the meantime, when the cat is outside, it is advisable to outfit it in one of the many diapers for cats now on the market. One product in particular, The Dandy Dypurr: “It’s The Cat’s Ass!”, offers complete protection and has the added benefit of being scented.

8. It is common knowledge that it is a cat’s amazing abilities to smell that guide many of its outdoor activities, from waging war on other small creatures to tearing open garbage bags left at curbsides to get at the chicken bones inside. These problems can be greatly reduced by the surgical removal of the cat’s ability to pick up scents.

9. In a similar vein, a cat, let outside, will be less easily distracted by the stimuli around it, if it is unable to see and hear. These are often difficult choices to make, but removing these senses will contribute immeasurably to the peace urban dwellers require and deserve.

10. While Feline Stoppers Inc. cannot guarantee that all these measures will completely control the wily cat, the chances of it continuing to be a nuisance when it is muted, sight-free, hearing-resistant, diapered, clawless, toothless, scentless and totally nude will be substantially reduced. And these measures offer the added benefit of making the cat a much more lovable and easily managed pet for its owner.

For more information and ideas, please write to The Perfect Cat c/o this newspaper.

The nice, young priest walked up to the casket to console the widow. “I hope you don’t think I am being too forward,” Father Murphy said, “but I wonder if you would share with me your husband’s last words.”

“No trouble at all Father,” said the widow. “In fact, he did have some final words. He said, ‘Mary, put down that gun!'”

By Jim Hagarty
2012
This hurts. In 2001 and 2002 my wife and I bought two desktop Apple computers, the flashy, colourful “bubble” ones. They cost about $4,500 combined. Apple shares at the time were selling for $8. If we had bought shares instead of iMacs, we would now own 563 shares, assuming we hadn’t added to that number over the years. Yesterday, Apple hit $600 on the stock market. If we sold them today, we would have $337,800. Instead, as it stands, one of our Macs was taken to recycling last year and the other sits forlorn and unused in the basement. As for me, a little tear just trickled down my unwealthy cheek. (Update: Apple shares fell from that lofty 2012 figure to $175 yesterday, Jan. 5, 2018. If we had sold our phantom shares for $600 and banked the cash, we could have bought 1,930 shares with it at yesterday’s price. When it went back up to $600, we would then have $1,158,000. P.S. I like to drive myself half insane with my calculator, which, if I hadn’t bought it, I could have picked up shares in Texas Instruments…)

By Jim Hagarty
2006

People have been gaining and losing weight since we emerged from the ocean or jungle, or wherever we came from. It didn’t seem to be such a problem for our forebears. Maybe chasing a wildebeest for 11 miles to put lunch on the table (or flat rock) tended to keep the fat off.

But it’s been a long time since most people in developed countries have had to pop out for a bit of game hunting or starve to death, and so we find ourselves needing to invent ways to reduce the blubber.

Fortunately, there are lots of people who have studied the problem and who have endless suggestions as to how to achieve the perfect bod. I recently read a list of 31 ways to do this and am unusually impressed by the ingenuity of the experts who devised these methods. I will now share some of them with you here, in the hope that they help. I am considering incorporating them into my daily life.

As you are brushing your teeth, alternate standing on one leg. This will develop “core muscles” and help with balance, besides burning 10 calories. Although the article doesn’t mention it, I wonder if this same “stance” could be applied to other things many people do in a bathroom, including taking a shower. And why stop at brushing teeth, and other activities? Why not stand on one leg like a flamingo as often as you can remember to do so during your day-to-day routines. (Beware of wildebeests, however; they dine on flamingos.)

Here’s a good one. At the desk chair in your office, pretend you’re going to sit down, but don’t. Let your butt come within a few inches of the seat, then stand back up again without using your hands on the armrests. Extend your arms in front of you for balance, and repeat this performance 15 to 20 times. You will lose 15 calories every time you do this and your co-workers will lose 10 cranking their necks around to watch you and holding their sides from laughing at you.

Use a cordless or long-corded phone and walk around while you talk – don’t sit. So, pace back and forth while you phone the pizza shop and don’t sit in an easy chair at the door waiting for it to be delivered. Walk there to get it and walk back to the table. Simple, yet effective.

When you come up to a red light on your way home, don’t just sit there listening to the radio or gawking around. Squeeze your derriere (not any of your passengers’) 10 to 15 times. This will give you “buns of steel” and burn 10 calories at the same time. Keep an eye on your buns in days to come to make sure they don’t start rusting from the exposure to bathwater, etc.

When you’re grocery shopping, don’t be a slouch. Dash up and down the aisles, swinging your arms wildly. This will have the effect of helping you lose 200 calories, even more if the store manager starts chasing you to try to prevent you from creating any more havoc in the establishment.

Now, here’s one of the best:

While you’re going through your mail, do “lunges.” I cite expert Vicki Zachanowich, executive director of the Manitoba Fitness Council, as reported in the Readers’Digest: Stand with your feet almost shoulder-width apart and take one full step forward, without moving your other foot. Bend your knees until the thigh of your stepping leg is parallel to the floor. Your front knee should not extend past your foot, Then switch legs. “You can do it while holding letters and reading,” says Vicki. I hope you are doing it now as you read this column.

When commercials come on the TV, get up and jog on the spot. You can even do it as a family.

And at your kids’ soccer games, get up after every quarter and do four or five laps around the field or gym.

I’ll admit I need to shed a few pounds and as enticing as all this sounds, to be honest, I’d rather go out and chase down a wildebeest. The first one I see go by my window is in big trouble.

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair Houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property”? The Asshole had a paper route!”

By Jim Hagarty
2006

Extra! Extra! Read All About It

I started writing headlines in 1977 and am still at it. I’ve gotten a bit better at it over the years and now and then try to come up with something creative, even amusing. But having spent my entire career in journalism in Stratford and Perth County in southern Ontario, Canada, the opportunities for me to write some real zingers have been few and far between. This is because we have a dearth of really crazy news around here, for some reason.

And so I live in envy of the editors who got to write the following headlines on these very true stories that happened around the world this week.

Woman in alleged hammer attack over gas
(She allegedly beat a convenience store clerk on the head with a hammer after he turned down her demand for free gasoline).

Drinkers earn more than nondrinkers, study says

Penis transplant reversed over psychological problems

Gas station owner accused of vandalizing rivals
(Man allegedly put glue in their credit card readers, sprayed foul-smelling deer repellent on pumps and threw beer bottles through windows).

Dancer allegedly gets human hand as gift, and keeps it

Hiker hopes to endure bare feet feat
(Man set to hike the entire Appalachian Trail in his bare feet).

Parents in alleged kidnap of daughter upset over boyfriend’s race
(A couple accused of tying up their 19-year-old daughter, throwing her in their car and driving her out of state to get an abortion were upset because the baby’s father is black).

Hawks attacking residents in Rio
(A pair of hawks have attacked dozens of residents, scratching their heads and faces).

Home sellers bury statues for good fortune
(Boston Catholics selling homes by burying statues of saints).

Tuxedo-wearing robber nabbed after chase

Shark that walks on fins discovered

Man says he was too “lazy” to deliver mail (Mail carrier stuffed more than 500 items of undelivered mail into garbage bags in a storage shed behind his house).

Man out to break eye-popping record

Man says he’s fine being almost 7-foot-9

Goat turned into corpse, suspect claims
(A murder suspect accused of killing his brother with an axe says he actually attacked a goat, which was only later magically transformed into his sibling’s corpse).

Argument over toupée led to heart attack, suit claims

Pig withstands Taser shots during highway ordeal

Residents asked to report dog droppings
(Organizers of a campaign trying to clear Vienna’s streets of dog droppings are urging residents to record how many droppings they see in the space of five minutes).

Woman paid about 14K to rent rotary phone 42 years

Woman gives birth to baby weighing almost 15 pounds

Father breaks leg trying to cure daughter’s fear of heights
(A father talked his daughter into jumping off a bridge; she landed safely, but he broke his leg).

Man reprograms ATM to give out 4 times more cash

Woman faces prison after setting boyfriend’s penis on fire

Judge boxes in car parked in his space

Falling pigeons mar festival

Man won’t shave until bin Laden is caught

Man says naked and scantily-clad men attacked him

Raccoons keep girl from her homework
(Raccoon fell through Florida girl’s ceiling into her bedroom, she can’t get schoolwork done).

Contest winner can’t afford to live in new house

Panda bites drunk Chinese man, man bites panda back at Beijing zoo

Man charged with impaired driving after slow-speed tractor chase in Nanaimo

California man charged with smuggling exotic cats through L.A. airport

Pennsylvania police chief turns in his own son for bank robbery

No, I don’t get to write amazing headlines. So, for me, it’s back to “New program will help everybody” and “Two hundred show up for spaghetti fundraiser”.

The best l ever managed was one on top of a story about a Monkton-area woman who lost her wedding ring while planting flowers and found it 40 years later in the same flower bed. A root was wearing it.